Title Rejects

You know you're a writer when... you've spent more time brainstorming the title for your novel than writing.

To title a novel is a process.  Every successful author has one and I’m pretty sure my process -while fun- is flawed.  I don’t know.

It usually starts with a glass of wine, after I’ve had a shot or two.  I complain a little bit about my upcoming task to anyone who will listen…so, my dogs and the one cat who’s too lazy to run away.  Then I sit down at the computer and start typing any title that comes to mind that’s even loosely tied to the novel I’m working on.  Any words or phrases that pop in there.  This strategy works well because there are no rules, nothing is off the table in this moment.

I usually keep going until I find myself typing things like “You’ll Never Pick a Good Title” or “Just Give Up.” At that point, I’m just being negative and clearly a refill of wine is necessary.  But what I’m left with are some great ideas for a title that I get to choose from.

I mean, I haven’t actually chosen any titles that present themselves during these brainstorming sessions, but I figure, if I just keep with it, one day it’ll work.  Maybe.

Here are a few rejected titles from my upcoming novel.  It’s a vampire romance set in New Orleans.

Suck It ……………………………………….I like the blunt approach, but it seems a bit rude.

Bite Me (A Vampire Romance) …At least it’s to the point.

Eat. Drink. Prey. ……………………….Get it?  “Prey?”

Bae in the Bayou ………………………This is just dumb.

I Thought He Drank Wine ……….She made an honest mistake.

My Boyfriend Can Fly ………………Not really the point of the story.  At all.

Love Can Be Draining ………………Too pessimistic.

This Book Has No Title …………….Too honest.

Just Read This ……………………………Too bossy.

There should be a profession where people get paid to read a book and come up with a title for it.  I would pay good money for that service if I ever had any good money.

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Things I Would Rather Do Than Title a Novel

My favorite part of writing a novel is creating the first draft.  With reckless abandon, I can type out anything I want, no matter how stupid it might be, because I know the first draft will never be seen by anyone but me.  I can unleash the creative monster in me and then reign in the insanity little by little with each rewrite.

I’m not a fan of editing.  Like, at all.  While I’m very particular about “your” and “you’re,” “there” and “their,” or “to and too,” everything else pretty much goes to hell in a handbasket.  I’m fairly decent at making crap up, but grammar and punctuation are not my strengths, and as an indie author, I don’t have thousands of dollars to pay a real actual editor.  (Which reminds me, how much are kidneys going for on the black market?  Asking for a friend…)

But figuring out a title for my novel is, by far, my least favorite part of being a writer.  Now, I’ve done some difficult things in my life.  I’ve squeezed some rather large-headed babies out of my teeny tiny girl-parts.  I’ve been through a divorce and I was a single mom for a bit.  I had to leave my newborn in intensive care for just over a month.  I’m a Marine Mom, I’ve had teeth pulled, and I survived Catholic school. I’ve even watched about thirty minutes of The Royal Tenenbaums, and believe me, that was extraordinarily difficult.  But every time I need to come up with a title that sums up a novel I’ve written, it’s just too hard.

So here is a list of five things I would rather do than title my novels.

  1. Vaginally deliver a giant, breech porcupine.
  2. Solve an algebra problem.  Sober.
  3. Lick a U.S. dollar bill.
  4. Get an enema.
  5. Get kicked in the face by a donkey wearing baseball cleats.

What do you hate most about your job?

The Search History of a Writer

I’ve always searched any topic without a second thought while writing my novels. Because who wouldn’t search “how long would it take to bleed out if your wrists were slit and you’re hanging upside down?” (A little odd for a romance author, sure, but I needed to know.)

It wasn’t until I searched “what kind of explosives would most effectively blow up a church” that I realized I might be red flagged by almost every U.S. federal agency. For the record, the church in my novel was abandoned, save for a vampire meeting that was taking place.

So I took a moment to review my search history. Here are a few things that might look bad if someone didn’t know I write fiction.

– Best blade to effectively decapitate a head

– Amount of explosives needed to blow up a brick building

– Where can you buy detonation cord (Quick shout out to the ATF- in case you’re watching!)

– Are feral pigs dangerous

– Can you ride an alligator (This one was just for my own curiosity.)

– How much blood can a person lose before they die

– Does a severed human arm float in water

– Can a vampire have babies with a human

It’s amazing, the things you learn while writing a story. I know a lot about airboats and how to drive them. I’m not sure what to do with that. I know what to do in the event of an alligator attack. I’m not sure why an alligator would be hanging around the Midwest, but you never know.

When I die, I’ll need someone to clear my search history for me. On second thought, leave it there. It’ll be more fun that way.

What’s the oddest thing in your search history that you’re willing to admit? Share in the comments!

Something About New Orleans

So, I’m getting ready to wrap up my latest novel, a paranormal romance set in New Orleans, specifically the French Quarter. I had the unexpected privilege of visiting the area last year, and along with a few souvenirs, I walked away with inspiration like I’ve never known.

I’m not much of a “city girl.” The fast pace, overcrowded, maze of buildings is overwhelming, and people who poop in the streets make me nervous. I’ve been forced to visit Chicago on many occasions, and San Diego once. I never had any desire to visit New Orleans. The only things I knew about New Orleans I learned from watching reruns of “Cops.” Beads, a million rowdy people screaming and vomiting in the streets, and one of the highest crime rates in our nation isn’t really my scene. I’m more of a get-lost-in-the-trees, sleep-under-the-stars kind of girl. But as usual in life, fate had other plans.

When I first heard I would be forced (by my husband) to visit New Orleans, I started my research. First I Googled “is it legal to murder your husband if he’s making you go into the city.” It turns out murder is illegal with pretty much no exceptions. Then I googled the city itself and learned a few things. First, it’s extremely dangerous there, statistically speaking. Also, there was something about scammers trying to guess where you got your shoes, basically waiting to rob you if you didn’t fall for their riddle. I don’t know, it sounded like you just shouldn’t talk to anybody. Second, it has a deep, rich history. And third, it is full of myth and folklore, mostly vampires. What?! Sold! Screw the statistics, they can have my dumb shoes…I want to see history and hear legends! I love a good story.

The first thing I learned is that New Orleans isn’t any more dangerous than any other major city. In my own experience, I never once felt threatened (by neither people nor the supernatural) or as though I was in danger. I should mention I kept my ass off Bourbon Street and followed common sense practices that should always be applied when in a new location jam-packed with unfamiliar people and places. I found New Orleans was pleasantly slower paced than other cities I’ve had to visit.  (I mean, they don’t call it The Big Easy for nothing!)  People were super laid back and friendly. img_3506

I’m not the type to ever venture out into a city by myself, but here, I was comfortable enough to grab my two kids and hop on the trolley to the Garden District. I was expecting it to be like the South Shore (train) in Chicago…eyes down, face forward, talk to no one. But it was more “smile at everyone, shake hands with strangers, young people giving up their seats for the elderly.” Our mission: to view the house where American Horror Story: The Coven was filmed. Any fans?

My daughter and I got hooked on the series, and we were so excited to be standing in this location. We did not see any witches, in case you’re wondering. But if witches are your thing, I highly recommend checking out my book, The Grimm Curse. And of course, season three of American Horror Story. Each episode has a hint of historical truth mixed in with its creative paranormal aspect.

Next stop, Jacques St Germain’s old place.

Gorgeous house, no? You can see the inside here. So in a nutshell, mysterious, aristocrat newcomer brings a horny chick home from Bourbon Street. She jumps screaming out of a second story window, breaking both legs in the fall. She claimed the guy attacked her with superhuman speed and strength, trying to bite her neck. When the police came by to investigate, he had disappeared, leaving behind barrels of wine that turned out to be blood. I guess he turns up every hundred years or so. You can read more about him here.

Next stop, Madame LaLaurie’s mansion, allegedly one of the most haunted places in America.

You can read more about this crazy lady here, but basically, she was accused of horribly abusing and torturing her slaves at this location. Her story is both repulsive and heartbreaking. Madame LaLaurie is a main character in AHS: The Coven, so it was a must see for us.

Our tour guide said Madame LaLaurie is buried here, and I’m pretty sure the iron bars are there to keep her evil spirit locked inside.

We couldn’t resist stopping by the Ursuline Convent, home of the Casket Girls legend.

They say that vampires are locked inside the attic, and the shutters are sealed shut with nails blessed by the pope. The convent says there are no vampires in there, and the shutters are just average, everyday hurricane shutters. Personally, I’m not sure why the convent would want to keep pet vampires in their attic, but who knows in today’s world.

Other cool highlights from the trip:

The streets themselves inspired feelings of desolation, in a lonely, romantic kind of way. The flickering lanterns cast dancing shadows on the old, historical streets. My imagination went wild with the endless possibilities of what could be lurking in the shadows. Mostly rats, I’m sure.

St. Louis Cemetery No. 1 was by guided tour only, so as to protect us from getting mugged. By Ghosts.

Nicolas Cage’s future resting place. Some people say he’s a vampire, based on this photographic “evidence.”

Next up…Marie Laveau, Voodoo Queen! It was interesting to hear about voodoo and its relationship with the Catholic faith in the French Quarter. People still come from all over to desecrate her grave in the hopes she will grant their deepest wishes. (I believe what you’re searching for is a lamp with a genie in it?) Seems like an odd way to gain favor from a powerful spirit, but what do I know about the afterlife?

Cafe Du Monde. These beignets were so flipping delicious, I didn’t even care that I looked like I’d snorted a pound of cocaine when I finished eating.

The following is the view from my hotel, The Doubletree, just across from the French Quarter. It was a nice hotel, and the best part was they gave you free chocolate chip cookies, served warm every time you came up to the desk! We stocked up and ate cookies for breakfast and lunch every day that week.

Here’s a creepy crow that kept screaming at us. Its shrill call echoed across the empty streets. It followed us for blocks, flying rooftop to rooftop just watching us and yelling. I’m not sure what I did to offend it, but the crow was definitely targeting me, and it freaked me out, how long it stayed with us. His creepy ass made it into the novel.

This building was so beautiful in a lost and haunting sort of way.

Pirate Alley. Historical shit went down here. A man ranting on a set of steps tried to lure my little guy over to him. We politely declined, and the gentleman inspired a character for a brief role in my novel.

The railings on the galleries were so intricate, I’ve never seen anything like it! And the ferns! Those ferns hung everywhere. I had a fern once. It didn’t make it.

I hope to visit this amazing city again one day. We walked away with some amazing memories. But best of all, I walked away with loads of inspiration for my latest novel, set to be released this October.

Have you been to New Orleans? What was your experience like? Let me know in the comments!

Best Nook to Read a Book

The left is all me, but I’d be happy anywhere! How about you?

Worlds Apart: Happy Book Release Day!

It’s finally here!  HAPPY BOOK RELEASE DAY!!!

Looking for an escape from the monotonous reality of everyday existence? Let WORLDS APART sweep you away into the colorful landscape of the Great Smoky Mountains on a crisp, cool autumn day!

Meet Therran, and journey with her on the path of love and adventure, as she fights for survival against an enemy whose existence defies reality as she knows it, and forces her to consider there is so much more to our world than we ever could have imagined!

WORLDS APART, available now!

CLICK HERE TO OWN YOUR COPY TODAY!

Worlds Apart

Therran is cute, funny and extremely down to earth but she has a major problem. Someone, or something, wants her dead. The powerful, sexy, Decklan, whose origins are mysterious, was sent to protect her, but she would rather fend for herself. Unfortunately, she has no idea what she’s up against. Through a series of close calls and unexplainable circumstances, she finds herself relying on Decklan, as she gets pulled further into his world, a place she could never have imagined.

WORLDS APART follows Therran on a romantic journey filled with laughter, mystery, and suspense. Therran moved to the Tennessee Mountains hoping for a fresh start in life. But as she was being stalked by something “otherworldly” from inside the woods behind her house, she quickly realized there was more to reality than she thought. She fell into an unbelievable world full of shape-shifters, parallel universes and…whatever Decklan was. With his dark, sexy looks and his powerful presence, Therran is instinctively drawn to him, but the fact that they are from two separate worlds makes things complicated.

Worlds Apart: Countdown to Release!

Brass Pocket Watches

It’s just a matter of hours before WORLDS APART is finally released!  I’m so nervous and excited!  What are you reading tonight?