Tag Archives: Thoughts

The Girl in the Rain

She walked along the city street, in a sea of strangers on a cloudy day.  Thunder crashed violently overhead, but she didn’t flinch.  In fact, she barely even noticed.

She was always disconnected from the people around her, never really belonging in any place or situation.  Maybe it was the way she viewed the world, or just the way the world viewed her.  Most of her existence was unnoticed and insignificant.  She was easily forgettable, which she tried to see as an advantage, but it didn’t feel like one.  All around her people laughed and connected, but she always stood on the sidelines just outside of the action, watching it unfold, never participating in even the slightest sense of the term.  She watched, and wished that she could find her place, but eventually realized that there was no place for her here.

A stranger bumped into her without so much as an ‘excuse me’, and for the millionth time that day she wondered if she existed at all.  Often people looked through her, and she worried that she had in fact died, but not yet realized it, and that nobody could see her because she no longer actually existed.  She was truly invisible, and the emptiness inside was so deep and so dark that even a black hole itself could be overtaken in the vacuum of nothingness that resided within her soul.

It’s not that she didn’t want to connect.  It’s that something inside of her, woven into the very core of her being, couldn’t connect.  She was one to ask, but never to be asked.  She was one to care, but never the one to care about.  She was one to listen, but never the one to be heard.  Sometimes, the people around saw her sadness over this, and interpreted it as an over indulgence in self-pity.  But she didn’t pity herself.  She didn’t feel anything for herself at all. She was called mysterious, but she wasn’t mysterious.  She was practically screaming, “I’ll tell you anything you want to know!”  But that’s the thing.  No one really wanted to know anything about her.  She worried what people thought of her, but eventually came to understand that nobody thought of her at all.  She had so much to share, but nothing to offer.

She had friends.  Very few, but carefully selected friends that she trusted on a limited basis.  Even they couldn’t see the sadness behind the laughter, or the hollowness behind the humor.  They loved her as much as they had to, but no more than that.  She wasn’t worth any more than that.

Sometimes she hated herself.  She knew she was a broken down mess of a soul, and just wished she couldn’t see it so well.  If she could have cried, she would have.  But the emptiness ran so deep that she no longer felt sadness.  Just an overwhelming numbness overtaking her very essence, what made her who she was.  She felt nothing.  She was nothing.

She’d never been popular, and she pretended it was by her choice, but she knew that wasn’t the reason.  It was because no matter how hard she tried to matter, she just wouldn’t.  Nobody really cared, not the way she did.  And in the end, maybe that was her own fault.  Caring too deeply and thinking too much.  Nobody lives that way happily.  Only a tortured soul could exist in this way.

It had been raining, but she hadn’t noticed.  Even though her hair was dripping, raindrops hung off her lashes and her wet clothes clung to her cold body, she hadn’t felt it, hadn’t felt anything in so long she’d forgotten how to feel at all.

She stopped in her tracks on the city sidewalk and looked up into the ominous, grey skies.  The ice cold rain slammed across her face, invoking a numbness upon her skin that matched the numbness inside her soul.

Maybe she wasn’t meant for this world.  Maybe that was her purpose, to walk across the Earth like a ghost.  Unnoticed, ignored and easily forgotten.  To be looked at, but never truly seen.  To be listened to, but never truly heard. To be there, but never to belong.

She closed her eyes against the onslaught of lightning, and as everyone else ducked for cover she held out her arms and prayed Grimm would come for her.  But in order for death to take her, she would first have had to live, and she never quite made it that far.  She felt nothing, just went through the motions in a world that was too bright to notice her insignificant, dim light.

She would never belong to this place, to these people.  She would never be enough for this place, for these people.  Her quiet voice would never be heard among the shrieking of the others, and anymore, she wasn’t sure she wanted to belong here anyway.

She put one foot in front of the other, water filling her shoes and sending a chill straight to her tired bones.  If she felt anything at all she would’ve shivered.  But she didn’t feel anything at all, and she didn’t shiver.

She turned down a dark alley, the greyness and rain obscuring the view of her silhouette as it disappeared around the corner, and just like that…she was gone and forgotten.

The hustle of the city street forged ahead, and nobody skipped a beat.  One was left to wonder…did she ever truly exist at all?



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Deep Thoughts On The Beach


So the other day I had a rare opportunity to have some alone time with myself, which is great because I really like my company. I chose to go to my favorite place, the beach, to watch the sunset. I go often, but usually I have my husband and kids with me, so most of my “peaceful” sunset is spent watching my husband fight off the bugs that seem to bother only him, my daughter showing me how she can do cartwheels, or cleaning up my baby after he’s decided to swallow a mouth full of sand and then barf everywhere. It’s a lot different going to the beach by myself. I walked along the shore until I left the other beachgoers behind, and I sat alone trying to clear my mind and enjoy the sunset.

Okay, Lisa. Breathe…clear your mind…life is good. What a beautiful sunset! Look at those waves. JESUS CHRIST there’s a dog coming. Where the hell did he come from?! He’s running toward me with his gigantic teeth, snarling and snorting. He’s going to bite me right in the vagina, I know it. What do I do?! I’m going to die. Death by dog. As the dog got closer, I realized two things. One, it was on a leash. Two, the Yorkie puppy didn’t want to kill me. In fact, it didn’t even notice me. Whew! That’s a relief. Why do people think I’m such a drama queen?

Alone again. Clear your mind. Deep breath. I can see the city in the distance, over the water, the sun setting behind the skyscrapers. I love the sound of the waves crashing. The universe is so amazing. HOLY SHIT there are two people headed my way! They’re going to rob me and take my two dollars. And my phone! Figures. I just downloaded some great songs from iTunes. They’re getting closer. One will hold me down while the other one takes my super cool sweatshirt and stabs me. No one is around to help me. I’m going to die. Damn my awesome sweatshirt and the trouble it causes me. Here it comes, I’ve no escape. The nice elderly gentleman waved and his sweet wife said “hello” to me. They kept on walking along the shore, past me, and away in the distance holding hands. Well THAT could have been a disaster.

Deep breath. Clear your mind. Clear…your…WHO ARE THEY!? What were they doing in the woods? There’s three of them. All guys. I won’t stand a chance. They’re going to chop me up into tiny pieces and mail random parts of my body to my family and friends. Oooooh, I wonder who will get my boob. I hope it’s my sister. That would gross her out. Eww, what if my dad gets it? This is it, here they come, I’m going to die. The three young hikers didn’t say a word. Not a “hello” or a wave, or any kind of acknowledgement that I was even sitting there. How rude.

The rest of my sunset was uneventful and very peaceful. I walked the shoreline back to my super sexy mini van, letting the waves come up and grab my feet every now and then. I can’t wait to do it again.