Tag Archives: Funny

Almost famous

But not really. I know I haven’t blogged in a million years, but I’ve thought of you guys often. 

Things are happening over here.  Like, we got a new puppy, my five-year-old came ‘out of the closet,’ (long story short, it was a false alarm) and I WROTE a BOOK!

No seriously…I finally did it. And I plan on self-publishing in the near future. One week, to be exact. 

Check it out!


Cool, right?!  Well anyway…my mom thinks I’m awesome, so there’s that. 

And here’s a little info for you!

AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE SEPTEMBER 1st: The Grimm Curse: Desmond Grimm is coming off a two-hundred year curse for a crime he swears he didn’t commit. The warlock’s only reason for living is his long awaited revenge against the family that took everything from him. He’s decided the seductive, defiant Kassandra will pay the price for her ancestor’s sins. One of three powerful witches residing on the cliffs of Maine, the fiery red-head refuses to go down easy in this battle of wits and will. Further complicating matters is a race of super-zombies that have been unleashed upon mankind, driven by their insatiable desire to consume human flesh. To save humanity, Kassandra and Desmond are forced to work together while being pushed to their limits, in both life and love. Kassandra must decide who is more of a threat, the demonic zombies that have been released into the world, or the gorgeous Desmond, who she could never trust. 

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Camping With Bears: My Near Death Experience

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I love to camp.  I love the outdoors, trees, and nature.  And I love fires, but not in a pyromaniac kind of way, just the normal acceptable amount.  Where I’m from we have deer and racoon that live in the woods.  That’s what I’m used to.

So last summer, my brother-in-law invited us to go to a campground with him and his kids up in Michigan.  Michigan has black bears.  I love black bears…as in lodge decor, not the actual living thing.

The first night we camped, I crawled under the covers of our air mattress and tried to soak up as much body heat from my husband as possible.  Sometime after I fell asleep, I awoke to the sound of sirens.  Like, war is coming…seek shelter, kind of sirens.  It was an eerie sound and I wasn’t sure what it was all about.

Right before I drifted back to sleep, I heard it.  Just outside of our tent, a deep exhale.  I sat up, still a little creeped out about the sirens of hell, and listened.  Again, an exhale…just like on National Geographic when you see a bear in the wild.

My adrenaline started pumping as I shook my husband awake.  Probably that had been what the sirens were about.  Maybe it was a warning that a bear was in the area.

My husband heard it too.  I couldn’t remember what you’re supposed to do when you encounter a bear.  One species you play dead, the other you make loud noises and I wasn’t sure which was which.  The loud grunting was just on the other side of our nylon tent, and I could visualize the bear tearing through the fabric and feasting on my family.  Not me, because I would run…but everyone else was going to be toast…I just knew it.

In a panic and barely able to breathe, I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, and I thought I might throw up.  I looked at the kids, sleeping peacefully through this living nightmare, and wondered if I could get them into the car parked outside without setting the bear into attack mode.

I pretty much wrapped myself around my husband and whispered something like “What the f*** are we going to do?  There’s a bear out there!”

He shook his head “no” and held his finger up to shush me while he listened to the grunting and breathing outside of the tent.  “That’s not a bear.” He whispered and proceeded to explain why it couldn’t be a bear.  It was a logical explanation, but in my irrational state all I could think was “Whatever, your brother brought us here to die, and this is the worst trip ever.”

My husband guessed maybe it was some kind of dying raccoon or something.  He went to unzip the window and I smacked his arm.  I was all “What are you doing, trying to get us all killed?”  He wanted to see what it was.

I’ve never truly feared for my life or felt the kind of intense panic that I felt as my husband peeked out the tent window.  My spit was so thick I couldn’t swallow, my ears were ringing, my limbs went numb and my heart was beating so hard I could see it thumping against my bones.  I thought about all the things I still needed to accomplish in my life…which is pretty much everything as so far I’ve accomplished nothing.

My husband turned to me, having figured out what kind of creature was outside of our tent, grunting and growling.  Apparently, the man in the tent next to us had sleep apnea.

Yeah, I’m not really sure why people say I’m over-dramatic.

Life in The Crick

Ahh, life in “The Crick.”  It’s not a fancy neighborhood, but it’s nice enough, and safe.  I like it here, because if I don’t feel like landscaping the front yard for thirteen years nobody cares.  They like me anyway.  Here in The Crick it’s live and let live.

Life in The Crick is good.  You can ask the neighbors if they have a slice of bread because “the plumbers need it to weld something” and nobody blinks an eye at the absurdity of it.  They just hand over their last loaf of bread and tell you to take what you need.

If you don’t have time to mow your yard…then don’t.  No one will be out there with a measuring tape scolding you if your grass is a bit overgrown.  We’ve got bigger problems, like the crazy old man that lives in the driveway, in the bed of his pickup truck under a tarp.

If you want to put up a ten foot fence, then you go right ahead.  Sure it’s gaudy, and all of us are laughing at you when it blows over in the first windstorm, but nobody will hate on you for it.  We’ll make a toast to your stupidity and move on with our lives.  We’re more concerned about the inbreeders down the way and the one guy’s unusual relationship with his cat.

If your dogs bark, non-stop, all day…don’t even worry about it.  We can’t tell which of the million barking dogs is actually yours anyway. We’re more interested in So-And-So’s crazy friend lying in the middle of the road.  We’re trying to figure out if he’s high, or suicidal…we really can’t tell.

If it makes you happy to leave the Christmas lights up all year ’round, nobody gives a real shit.  Congratulations, your house is the most festive house in the neighborhood.  Good on you!  We’re not talking about you anyway…we’re too busy discussing the little boy down the road, who’s friendly neighborhood greeting is a tiny middle finger held high in the air. Cute kid…

I’m pretty sure someone around here has a goat. We don’t care.  We’re just over here wondering if we can get goat’s milk at a discount.  I don’t have time to worry about it, I’m too busy yelling “Thank you” across the way to the neighbor who was thoughtful enough to make me a daiquiri and send it over.  Life is good.

So here’s to life in The Crick.  The only subdivision I’d ever fit in with.  Where the crazies hide on the rooftop from the police, and the word “f**k” isn’t offensive.  The smell of steaks on the grill and pot in the air permeate every corner of the neighborhood.  We invite ourselves over to that one house on the block where all the neighbors seem to end up congregating.  We drink and we laugh…well mostly I drink and we laugh…we bitch and we moan.  I’ll miss it when it’s time to go.

“Ever Dance With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?”

No, but I danced with Old Man *Billy, and that was pretty much the same thing.

I’m not a dancer by nature.  I mean I can dance, but I don’t, because it scares the animals and I usually just end up looking like this…

blower

So I’m in a karaoke bar, sitting with my friend Colette while our other friends were out on the dance floor swaying to the slow music.

Billy was an older guy sitting across the room with his buddies, and he’d developed a crush on one of the girls in our group, who by the way, had the patience of a Buddha.  When the slow song came on Billy ran frantically to ask her to dance, but it was too late as she was already dancing with the guy she was there with.

I looked up in time to see his sad, wrinkled face fall with disappointment.  He hung his head and went back to his table.

A moment later he approached me and Colette and asked if either of us would like to dance.  I froze like a bimbo in a horror movie.  Colette was the first one to shake her head no, and if I remember correctly…pointed in my direction.  He looked at me, with hopeful bloodshot eyes, and I didn’t have the heart to send him back to his friends having struck out three times.

So I smiled and took his outstretched hand.  He held me appropriately with minimal body contact, the way a father would, and we swayed to the music.  As we spun, Colette came into view and I glared at her, trying to push her off her chair with the power of my mind.  It didn’t work, in case you’re wondering.

“I’m Billy.”  He says.

“Lisa.”

“It’s nice to meet you.  I’m sorry about the cigarette.”

Wait, what?  He had a lit cigarette in the hand at the small of my back.  I panicked as I realized this had turned into a freaking hostage situation.  This is how I was going to die, I just knew it.

“Oh.  It’s…”

“I’m drunk.”  He interrupted, his breath smelled like alcohol.

Lucky for me the song ended quickly.  I took my hand back and he said “Thanks for the dance.”

Only when he said it, he spit all over my face Daffy Duck style.  A few drops even got on my lips.

Dammit, Billy!

I stood still with a smile frozen in place, trying not to have a panic attack.  My heart was palpitating, my chest tightened to the point I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to move my lips in case I would accidentally smear it in.  I sat down and felt the spit drying on my face…I could actually feel the hepatitis setting in.

My irrational fear of germs kicked into high gear, so I ran to the bathroom.  I went to the sink, emptied the entire bottle of soap into my hands and washed the shit out of my face and lips.  I thought about gargling with the soap, but then figured that might be a little extreme, and I’m not one to take things to an extreme.  Hahaha…haha…ha…Ahem.

Anyway.

I was looking in the mirror at my beard of bubbles, plotting revenge on Colette and her pointy finger, when I rinsed and realized I had no way to dry my face aside from the blow dryer stuck to the wall.

I cupped my hands to direct the air up to my face and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  My hair was blowing back like those rock stars on the TV.  So I started whipping my head around like some kind of head banger, and got busted by a poor girl who just wanted to pee.  I’m pretty sure she thought I was having a seizure, I don’t know…she looked scared.

As it turns out, bars aren’t really my thing.  Also, I have got to learn to be more assertive.  No.” Lisa.  It’s not that hard.  Next time, just  freaking say “No.”

Thanks for stopping in to read my rant!

 

*Name has been changed.

Never Sing a Porno Song With Strangers

I know this advice should go without saying, but you’d be surprised at the awkward situations I can get myself into.

I was invited out to karaoke, which I haven’t done in years, and it sounded like a great idea.  I only knew three of the eight people there.  But then I was informed that two of the girls I didn’t know follow my blog, so they were pretty much instant family.

It was a great time, drinking and laughing…nothing awkward until…

A gentleman that works with my friend stopped in for a drink.  He and I had never met before, or even been formally introduced.  It turns out he also likes to karaoke, so my gal pal Roxanne suggested we sing a duet.  She put in “Summer Nights” for us, and the DJ asked if we could do the “dirty” version.  I had sang a “dirty” version of this song years and years ago…it said “f**k” and one line was changed to “Wonder who, she’s doing now.”  So sure we could, we’re all adults here.

We stood on that stage, with microphones in hand and a million eyes on us.  The words that came up on screen were words no Catholic girl should ever utter out loud.  So I sang them with the stranger my friend works with.  I had never heard this version before.  Seriously, look up the lyrics and picture me on stage trying not to cry.

After what felt like five hours, the song finally ended and we walked back to the table, both staring at our drinks.  After a few moments, he broke the silence.

“Did you know it was going to be that dirty?”  He asked, leaning in a little.

“No!”  I shook my head.  “I thought it was going to say ‘f**k’ or something.”

“Me too.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t look each other in the eye.”  I suggested.

We both went back to drinking.  We didn’t interact again until I left.  I said goodbye to the group, and he and I knuckle bumped.

“It was nice to meet you.”  I said.  “And to sing a pornographic song with you…”  My voice trailed off as I was unable to look him in the eye again.

It was an embarrassing situation that should never be spoken of again.  So I thought I’d share it with you.

Wheel of Fortune Gone Wrong

  
It’s “LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT.”  Perverts…😉

Drag Me to the Show

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So on my bucket list, right after “Commandeer a UFO” and just before “Run with the Bulls” was “Go to a Drag Show.”  And because my friends are awesome, I got to check that off my list!

I wasn’t sure what to expect going in, so we grabbed a front row seat and I gulped down a few Lemon Drop Martini’s.  I’m not sure how I feel about those, but they definitely got better as the night went on.

The Queens were getting ready in the bar’s restroom, which was a concern for me and one of my small-bladdered friends, but it turned out okay.  All we had to do was walk out of the bar, through the employee hallway, around the corner and through the restaurant to the front register and around another corner to get to the available toilets.  If you think it sounds complicated, try navigating that after  drinking twice your weight in vodka.

On the way back from the bathroom I thought about joining this blurry family in their booth for some one a.m. bacon and eggs, but apparently it’s considered rude to eat off stranger’s plates.  Whatever, their booth was spinning anyway, so I went back into the bar.

The music came on and the Queens came out!  First up was a seven foot tall Whitney Houston.

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She was beautiful and really hit it off with my friend Monique!  If you look closely at this picture, it appears that my friend might have pinched Whitney’s ass…I don’t know for sure…I’m just saying, that’s the face I make when Monique pinches my ass.

I had a limited amount of singles, as I was saving most of them for Queen Lady Gaga, but Whitney sniffed out the hidden cash from under my phone.  Suddenly from behind me a graceful, satin gloved arm slides towards my phone, open handed and waiting.  Fine, dammit, but if I miss a lap dance from Queen Lady Gaga because you took all my money I’m going to be pissed.  (They didn’t do lap dances.)

I was piss-my-pants excited when Queen Lady Gaga came out of the dressing room.

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Me and Black Lady Gaga really hit it off.  She smelled great and her make-up was flawless.  I’m pretty sure if I were cooler, we could totally be friends.

This one here was fun!  She had a gorgeous “resting-bitch face.”

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There was a “manly man” sitting at the bar watching sports trying to pretend this wasn’t happening.  His eager friend though, was happily motorboating these lady cha-cha’s and shoving twenties between them as she ran her fingers through his comb-over. I’m not sure he knew what was going on, but he was having fun and that’s all that matters.

Okay, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a drag show, but when “The Circle of Life” starts playing just before the curtain opens…you know it’s going to be good.

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She’s wearing a freaking lion on her head, and the sequins sparkled like a million fairies.  It was by far the most elaborate outfit of the night.  The Lion Queen bonded with Monique.  (My friend is clearly a super-likable person.)

Anyway, the night was all I’d hoped for and more!  If you’ve never been to a drag show, I highly recommend going.  I don’t know where else you’ll find such a great group of people who are completely in touch with who they are, and know how to have a fabulous time!

 

Thank you for reading Lisa’s Rant!  Please rate this post, your feedback is important to me. Remember to like my Facebook page…and tell your friends about me!