THE GRIMM CURSE Fun Fact: During one of my all-nighters, the dog and I split a pound of bacon at four a.m. while I wrote. And by “split” I mean “I ate 95% of it.” I don’t even like bacon! Get your copy of THE GRIMM CURSE today!
Look at those angry eyebrows!
So this is Puck (as in hockey puck), the newest addition to the Rochon household. Aside from eating cat poop, he’s very smart and follows basic commands. In addition, he understands “Puck drop” “Puck no” and “Puck off”. He is part German Shepherd, and part Shar Pei.
See? Shar Pei.
He’s adorable, he’s cuddly, and he poops. A LOT. We got Puck at six weeks old and so of course he’s not potty trained at all. At first I was all “Awww, he’s jus’ a widdow puppy!” Six weeks later I’m like “Why the hell won’t this demon spawn just shit outside?”
The three-year old was standing next to me one time when I found a stinky little gift the puppy left for me on the bedroom floor. I yelled across the house to my husband “PUCK SHIT ON THE FLOOR AGAIN!” My son looks up at me and with the biggest, bluest eyes he says very matter of fact…”I don’t do that. I shit in the potty.”
Let me start by saying that I’m not a runner. It’s not that I don’t want to be, it’s that every time I try to run, my legs and lungs tell me to piss off. I had to chase after my dog once, and I only made it down my driveway before collapsing with shin splints and lung spasms. My driveway is less than forty feet long. I lay there in the fetal position while my dog came back to mock me. Even he couldn’t believe how completely out of shape I was. He’s so judgemental.
So exercising to be fit and healthy became my new motivation. I’ve found that once you get into a habit of working out, it becomes almost like an addiction. Some people do crack, I do Tae Bo. I don’t look very graceful doing it, but in my head I’m a total bad ass. If I don’t get my daily exercise, my Chi gets all out of whack, I get very edgy, and everyone around me turns into an asshole. (Yes, it’s all of them, not me.) Because of my new-found fitness, I thought I’d give running a try.
I made it about a mile and a half, MOSTLY running. I’ve got a whole new respect for runners. Hats off to you crazy freaks of nature. You all look so graceful, free and happy. Your obvious passion for running is inspiring. I was flopping around like a kindergartener running from a boy with cooties. I started out at a nice pace, my feet hitting the pavement in time with my husbands. Toward the end of our route I was way ahead of him. While he kept a nice even pace, I had sped up to get this torturous run over with. I ran as though bill collectors were chasing me. At the end of my run, I had sweat dripping down into cracks of my body that I’m usually not aware of. It was not sexy. I smelled foul and felt like my heart was pounding in my head. Where real runners finish their route and feel a sense of accomplishment, I just felt the need to throw up and then eat a donut.
As soon as I can feel my legs again I’ll give it another go. Seriously, kudos to all the runners out there. You guys make it look so easy.
So the other day I had a rare opportunity to have some alone time with myself, which is great because I really like my company. I chose to go to my favorite place, the beach, to watch the sunset. I go often, but usually I have my husband and kids with me, so most of my “peaceful” sunset is spent watching my husband fight off the bugs that seem to bother only him, my daughter showing me how she can do cartwheels, or cleaning up my baby after he’s decided to swallow a mouth full of sand and then barf everywhere. It’s a lot different going to the beach by myself. I walked along the shore until I left the other beachgoers behind, and I sat alone trying to clear my mind and enjoy the sunset.
Okay, Lisa. Breathe…clear your mind…life is good. What a beautiful sunset! Look at those waves. JESUS CHRIST there’s a dog coming. Where the hell did he come from?! He’s running toward me with his gigantic teeth, snarling and snorting. He’s going to bite me right in the vagina, I know it. What do I do?! I’m going to die. Death by dog. As the dog got closer, I realized two things. One, it was on a leash. Two, the Yorkie puppy didn’t want to kill me. In fact, it didn’t even notice me. Whew! That’s a relief. Why do people think I’m such a drama queen?
Alone again. Clear your mind. Deep breath. I can see the city in the distance, over the water, the sun setting behind the skyscrapers. I love the sound of the waves crashing. The universe is so amazing. HOLY SHIT there are two people headed my way! They’re going to rob me and take my two dollars. And my phone! Figures. I just downloaded some great songs from iTunes. They’re getting closer. One will hold me down while the other one takes my super cool sweatshirt and stabs me. No one is around to help me. I’m going to die. Damn my awesome sweatshirt and the trouble it causes me. Here it comes, I’ve no escape. The nice elderly gentleman waved and his sweet wife said “hello” to me. They kept on walking along the shore, past me, and away in the distance holding hands. Well THAT could have been a disaster.
Deep breath. Clear your mind. Clear…your…WHO ARE THEY!? What were they doing in the woods? There’s three of them. All guys. I won’t stand a chance. They’re going to chop me up into tiny pieces and mail random parts of my body to my family and friends. Oooooh, I wonder who will get my boob. I hope it’s my sister. That would gross her out. Eww, what if my dad gets it? This is it, here they come, I’m going to die. The three young hikers didn’t say a word. Not a “hello” or a wave, or any kind of acknowledgement that I was even sitting there. How rude.
The rest of my sunset was uneventful and very peaceful. I walked the shoreline back to my super sexy mini van, letting the waves come up and grab my feet every now and then. I can’t wait to do it again.
Posted in Health, Humor, places
Tagged Alone, Beach, Beautiful, Dog, iTunes, Peace, Sand, Shore, Sunset, Thoughts, Waves