Tag Archives: Blogging

Almost famous

But not really. I know I haven’t blogged in a million years, but I’ve thought of you guys often. 

Things are happening over here.  Like, we got a new puppy, my five-year-old came ‘out of the closet,’ (long story short, it was a false alarm) and I WROTE a BOOK!

No seriously…I finally did it. And I plan on self-publishing in the near future. One week, to be exact. 

Check it out!


Cool, right?!  Well anyway…my mom thinks I’m awesome, so there’s that. 

And here’s a little info for you!

AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE SEPTEMBER 1st: The Grimm Curse: Desmond Grimm is coming off a two-hundred year curse for a crime he swears he didn’t commit. The warlock’s only reason for living is his long awaited revenge against the family that took everything from him. He’s decided the seductive, defiant Kassandra will pay the price for her ancestor’s sins. One of three powerful witches residing on the cliffs of Maine, the fiery red-head refuses to go down easy in this battle of wits and will. Further complicating matters is a race of super-zombies that have been unleashed upon mankind, driven by their insatiable desire to consume human flesh. To save humanity, Kassandra and Desmond are forced to work together while being pushed to their limits, in both life and love. Kassandra must decide who is more of a threat, the demonic zombies that have been released into the world, or the gorgeous Desmond, who she could never trust. 

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Automatic Flush Toilets: It’s Like Russian Roulette For Your Butt

Sometimes you have to do something in life that gets your adrenaline pumping.  Something to feel alive.  Something wild and dangerous, like skydiving, or using an automatic flush toilet.

I never use a public restroom unless it’s absolutely necessary, but after three kids, “absolutely necessary” is anytime I cough, sneeze or laugh a little too hard. I’m always hopeful it will be a regular old-fashioned toilet that I have total control over, and I’m always let down when I see it’s an automatic.   After blurting out swear words and inappropriate phrases that would make even Eminem blush, I begin the game of Russian Roulette for my butt.  I sit down on the Devil’s urinal as slowly as possible so as not to activate the auto flush.  Success.  My ass is still dry.  I empty my bladder without moving, without breathing, without blinking.  And then Whoosh, the auto flush is somehow engaged.  What the hell…no fair, I didn’t even blink!   Now my butt is as wet as if I had fallen in!  I still have to pee a little, but I’m too cold and tense from my horrific ordeal.  Not only did I get soaked, but the toilet flushed with enough suction power to drag a small child down the toilet and all the way out to sea.  I almost died you know.  I finally calm down enough to resume urination.  The second I let my guard down the auto flush engages again!  Are you kidding me with this?  Am I being punk’d?  Ashton, is that you???  I look around and don’t spot any hidden camera’s, this is not a joke.  So I continue on with my business.  After I’m finished, I get up and…nothing.  No flush.  I wave my hand in front of the sensor, and still nothing.  I need the toilet to flush now, but it won’t.  So I’m standing there, staring at my eight ounces of processed water and some toilet paper, for everyone to see.  I try the manual button, no luck.  I give up and exit the stall to go wash my hands.  The second I unlock the door and step out, the toilet flushes.  Clearly the person who invented the auto flush toilet was a man who hates women.

Attempted Running

Let me start by saying that I’m not a runner.  It’s not that I don’t want to be, it’s that every time I try to run, my legs and lungs tell me to piss off.  I had to chase after my dog once, and I only made it down my driveway before collapsing with shin splints and lung spasms.  My driveway is less than forty feet long.  I lay there in the fetal position while my dog came back to mock me.  Even he couldn’t believe how completely out of shape I was.  He’s so judgemental.

So exercising to be fit and healthy became my new motivation.  I’ve found that once you get into a habit of working out, it becomes almost like an addiction.  Some people do crack, I do Tae Bo.  I don’t look very graceful doing it, but in my head I’m a total bad ass.  If I don’t get my daily exercise, my Chi gets all out of whack, I get very edgy, and everyone around me turns into an asshole.  (Yes, it’s all of them, not me.)  Because of my new-found fitness, I thought I’d give running a try.

I made it about a mile and a half, MOSTLY running.  I’ve got a whole new respect for runners.  Hats off to you crazy freaks of nature.  You all look so graceful, free and happy.  Your obvious passion for running is inspiring.  I was flopping around like a kindergartener running from a boy with cooties.  I started out at a nice pace, my feet hitting the pavement in time with my husbands.  Toward the end of our route I was way ahead of him.  While he kept a nice even pace, I had sped up to get this torturous run over with.  I ran as though bill collectors were chasing me.  At the end of my run, I had sweat dripping down into cracks of my body that I’m usually not aware of.  It was not sexy.  I smelled foul and felt like my heart was pounding in my head.  Where real runners finish their route and feel a sense of accomplishment, I just felt the need to throw up and then eat a donut.

As soon as I can feel my legs again I’ll give it another go.   Seriously, kudos to all the runners out there.  You guys make it look so easy.

A Quick Thank You

Today has been a fun and busy day!  Unfortunately I’m left with no time for a good blog.  So I will just quickly say thank you so much to those of you who commented on my last post!  Your words of encouragement have helped more than I can ever tell you!  I will respond to everyone individually on Monday when I get back to blog world.  In the meantime, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend filled with laughter!  I’ll leave you with this picture I found on Pinterest.  It’s funny every time…

Someone is stealing my poop

 

A Quick “Thank You” To The People That Follow My Blog

I have 53 followers, and I’m so happy I could pee myself!  Except that I’ve already emptied my bladder.  Thank you to all that take the time out of your day to read what I have to say.  It’s nice to be heard!  Thank you for the comments you leave, for hitting like, or for passing my stories on to others.  You completely validate me.  Without you, I’d just be some crazy girl talking to herself again.  Probably in a padded room, wearing a straight jacket, which as a mom of three sounds kind of like a peaceful retreat right now.  I hope to continue to entertain you!

If I ever hit 100 followers, I’ll have to do something funny or drastic, take a video or picture as proof and post it on here.  I still have some time to think of something fun to do to celebrate that moment.  Until then, I’m always open for suggestions!

Thank you again for following my blog!  I’m having a blast, and it’s all because of YOU!  😛