The Phases of Writing a Novel

Phase One:  The “I’m Going to Write a Novel” Phase.

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Hey!  Look at me, full of hopes and dreams.  I have a million amazing ideas that are so good this story is practically writing itself!  I’ve found my calling and nothing can stop me now.

Phase Two:  Writer’s Block

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Seriously, where the hell did all the good ideas go?  That couldn’t have been all I had…

Phase Three:  Perfecting the Writing Process

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Look at me, not being productive!  Checked Facebook.  Played on Instagram.  I cuddle the kitty…I kiss the puppy…and the cat is wearing my glasses, haha…ha…Okay, back to work.

Phase Four:  The Rewrite

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Yeah…this is nothing like my original.  I pretty much just wrote two entirely separate books.  Now I’ll have to rewrite my rewrite.  Damn it…does it ever end?

Phase Five:  The First Five Hundred Edits

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Okay, why the hell do I even HAVE spellcheck?  I really need to make a final decision on how to spell my main character’s name.  This scene doesn’t make any sense…I’m not sure I even wrote that!  This should go here and that should go there.  And this right here is just stupid, it shouldn’t go anywhere.  Next time I’ll do a little more writing and a little less drinking.  Yeah right…look at me being all funny.

Phase Six:  The Next Five Hundred Edits

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That about sums it up…

Phase Seven:  Query and Daydream

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I am gonna be so freakin’ famous!  J.K. Rowling will be my bff and we’ll go on book tours together, drink wine and write and laugh all the time.  Once these agents see how awesome I am, all my hard work will pay off!  Any day now…

Phase Eight:  The 57th Rejection Letter

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Oh my God…nobody likes my work.  My writing sucks big, hairy balls.  I’ve just wasted a year of my life and I have nothing to show for it because I have no talent.  My mom said I was awesome…I don’t understand what happened…

Phase Nine:  The “Screw it, I’m Gonna Be a Stripper.” Phase

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