Monthly Archives: March 2016

That Awkward Moment When Your Childhood Crush Gets Sixty Years for Murder

*Jeff was this boy who lived a few roads down from me.  He had this lopsided smile and messy hair that I just adored.  One day, Jeff told me to meet him at his house because he wanted to “ask me out.”  At twelve that basically meant he would call me his girlfriend and I would call him my boyfriend and we would talk all night on the phone until one of us got in trouble for tying up the line.

So I cranked up the New Kids on the Block, winged out my hair using extra strong hairspray, doused myself in Debbie Gibson’s “Electric Youth” perfume, and walked my happy ass over to Jeff’s house.

He was sitting on his porch smiling at me when I walked up the steps.  Then he started laughing at me.  Something felt off, but I thought maybe I was just nervous because I really liked him. So I just stood there smiling like an idiot.

After he got his laughter under control, he asked me how I could possibly think he would ever want to be my boyfriend.  Turns out getting me to come over there was just a joke.  I’m not gonna lie, it stung a little, but I walked away with my head held high.  Until I rounded the corner…then I cried like a little bitch.

I’m still not sure why he wouldn’t want to get with this

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Oversized bifocals, a flat chest, and a perm.  I don’t think he appreciated all my cool.

Anyway, fast forward about ten years…

I was a manager at a local hotel and one of the housekeepers showed me some pictures from a wedding she went to.  I told her the guy next to her looked exactly like this kid Jeff I used to have a huge crush on.  Small world…it was actually him!

So I told her the story of what had happened and she was shocked.  She said he would feel like an ass if he saw me again, probably because I ditched the bifocals and perm, and obtained some boobs.  Boys…

A few days later, Jeff came in with his tail tucked and apologized for what he had done when we were younger. I harbored no hard feelings towards that little asshole, it had been so many years.  Although it was my pleasure to decline his invitation to “hang out sometime.”

The next time I heard anything about him was in the local  paper.  Apparently at some point Jeff got into drugs, and owed his dealer some money.  I guess he didn’t want to pay up, so he slit the guys throat and set him on fire instead.

All that time I thought he didn’t like me because I was ugly and not good enough.  But it turns out he was really just a bit of a jerk.

 

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*Names have been changed.

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Wineless Wednesday

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It’s Wine Wednesday, and all of both of my friends are out of town.  See, this is why I should have a larger circle.

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Yeah, no…I’m good with two friends and a bestie.

So I’m skipping this week’s Wine Wednesday, because apparently if you drink alone you’re an alcoholic or whatever.  Who makes these rules???

Happy Wednesday!  Thanks for stopping by.

Graveyard Hopping with Strangers

Life is different in the South.  Here up North, I need a background check and at least three references before I’ll trust you enough to even start a conversation.  Down South though, it’s the opposite.  I don’t know if it was the Moonshine I had for breakfast…

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…or the disarming southern charm that people have in Tennessee, but twenty minutes after meeting “Bob” we were in a car driving him graveyard to graveyard.

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Sure, at one point I wondered how the hell I ended up standing on private property, by an 1800’s graveyard, overlooking a beautiful river with a George W. Bush look alike.  But Bob’s soothing southern drawl reassured me that trespassing was okay as long as you didn’t hear bullets flying.

And I’ll admit, as I stood there staring at a cemented grave site listening to stories about grave robbers, I wondered if I’d made a bad decision.  But then Bob was all “Ya’ll wanna go see another graveyard?  It’s got an amazing military memorial.” and I was all “That’d be super.”

All we really wanted to do was talk to Bob about some property he had for sale, but somehow we ended up at his parents graves, consoling him while he tried to sell us some burial plots next to his grandparents.  I was going to tell him that I’m actually going to become a tree after I die, but I didn’t want to sound weird.

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We spent about three hours with Bob, and learned about the area we’ll eventually call home. After we drove him to all the places he wanted to see, he tried to charge us twenty bucks for the “tour.”  I figured it cost us about that much in gas to lug his ass around the mountain roads, so we called it even.

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Wheel of Fortune Gone Wrong

  
It’s “LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT.”  Perverts…😉

Drag Me to the Show

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So on my bucket list, right after “Commandeer a UFO” and just before “Run with the Bulls” was “Go to a Drag Show.”  And because my friends are awesome, I got to check that off my list!

I wasn’t sure what to expect going in, so we grabbed a front row seat and I gulped down a few Lemon Drop Martini’s.  I’m not sure how I feel about those, but they definitely got better as the night went on.

The Queens were getting ready in the bar’s restroom, which was a concern for me and one of my small-bladdered friends, but it turned out okay.  All we had to do was walk out of the bar, through the employee hallway, around the corner and through the restaurant to the front register and around another corner to get to the available toilets.  If you think it sounds complicated, try navigating that after  drinking twice your weight in vodka.

On the way back from the bathroom I thought about joining this blurry family in their booth for some one a.m. bacon and eggs, but apparently it’s considered rude to eat off stranger’s plates.  Whatever, their booth was spinning anyway, so I went back into the bar.

The music came on and the Queens came out!  First up was a seven foot tall Whitney Houston.

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She was beautiful and really hit it off with my friend Monique!  If you look closely at this picture, it appears that my friend might have pinched Whitney’s ass…I don’t know for sure…I’m just saying, that’s the face I make when Monique pinches my ass.

I had a limited amount of singles, as I was saving most of them for Queen Lady Gaga, but Whitney sniffed out the hidden cash from under my phone.  Suddenly from behind me a graceful, satin gloved arm slides towards my phone, open handed and waiting.  Fine, dammit, but if I miss a lap dance from Queen Lady Gaga because you took all my money I’m going to be pissed.  (They didn’t do lap dances.)

I was piss-my-pants excited when Queen Lady Gaga came out of the dressing room.

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Me and Black Lady Gaga really hit it off.  She smelled great and her make-up was flawless.  I’m pretty sure if I were cooler, we could totally be friends.

This one here was fun!  She had a gorgeous “resting-bitch face.”

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There was a “manly man” sitting at the bar watching sports trying to pretend this wasn’t happening.  His eager friend though, was happily motorboating these lady cha-cha’s and shoving twenties between them as she ran her fingers through his comb-over. I’m not sure he knew what was going on, but he was having fun and that’s all that matters.

Okay, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a drag show, but when “The Circle of Life” starts playing just before the curtain opens…you know it’s going to be good.

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She’s wearing a freaking lion on her head, and the sequins sparkled like a million fairies.  It was by far the most elaborate outfit of the night.  The Lion Queen bonded with Monique.  (My friend is clearly a super-likable person.)

Anyway, the night was all I’d hoped for and more!  If you’ve never been to a drag show, I highly recommend going.  I don’t know where else you’ll find such a great group of people who are completely in touch with who they are, and know how to have a fabulous time!

 

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