Okay, so I’m sitting here in the Spanx I bought today, and there’s just no way to make this look sexy. Spanx are supposed to squeeze everything into place, but all it’s really doing is pushing my muffin top up to my breasts and giving me heartburn. Or maybe the moonshine I’m drinking is giving me heartburn. I don’t know, I can’t think straight. I’m not even sure any oxygen is actually making it to my brain at this point.
I have three amazing kids that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Except maybe a chocolate bar and another jar of Bananas Foster moonshine. My tummy will never be the same. I can do crunches until my abs are on fire, it won’t matter. I mean, I don’t actually do crunches, but I’m saying…I could, and it wouldn’t matter. Listen, as I’ve said before in Dear Pinners Pinning on Pinterest, I can’t be the portal into this universe AND perfectly sculpted. That’s just too much pressure. I’ve got loose muscles and a little extra tummy skin, which my Spanx were supposed to take care of, but it’s an epic fail at this point.
So I don’t think these are going to work for me, because I can’t even tuck this shit down into the fabric, it all just keeps popping back out. I’m going to go take these off before I lose consciousness.
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