So we took our annual trip to Kalahari Resorts and Indoor Water Park, which is always a blast. As a mother it’s my “job” to watch my kids and make sure they don’t fall into a pool, or get taken by the gypsies. I don’t know who these gypsies are but I know they’re out there waiting to steal you. At least that’s what Mom used to tell me. Anyway, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to dedicate any time to watching my kids when there are more urgent situations at stake. Like the swim up Jacuzzi bar.
Also, every few steps I had to bend over to make sure my vagina wasn’t falling out of my bathing suit. I kept feeling a draft, and I got paranoid that my girl goodies were going to make a surprise appearance. Then I kept asking my husband how my ass looked, because gravity is a bitch. The second I stopped doing the insanity workout, my tush resumed it’s natural position three inches lower than I want it. Then my husband fell asleep in the lounge chair so I had to ask the three year old for booty reassurance. I asked the kid ONE time how my butt looked and he stared at me like I was absolutely insane. Then there was the nipple issue. I was cold and wet and needed to make sure that both of them were pointing in the same direction. There’s nothing more awkward than two nipples pointing in opposite directions. It’s distracting, like lizard eyes. So I kept blatantly looking down at my girls, because there’s really no way to discreetly do it. People probably thought I was being narcissistic and I wanted to explain “No, I actually hate myself, it’s just a simple nipple check!” I finally gave up and put my daughter in charge. I told her if she noticed my nipples going rogue she needed to let me know so I could line them back up. She asked if she could have a more socially acceptable chore, like scrubbing toilets or doing dishes. Whatever. Next year I’m going in a wetsuit.