Monthly Archives: July 2013

Adventures of the Rookie Gardener



garden photo

My garden

So a blogger friend Julie, over at Ramblings From Jewels, is always posting beautiful pictures of her garden.  (I love her blog, you should check it out!) She says gardening is her therapy.  I can relate in a way, because of gardening I may need therapy.

When I started my garden I had images of myself smiling and harvesting fresh produce, but what I actually ended up with was me straddling one of the garden boxes dumping an entire bottle of Palmolive dish soap on the garden and then turning the jet hose on to create an enormous amount of bubbles while laughing maniacally.  Let me explain…

I’m convinced that aphids are Satan‘s minions.  Those tiny little effer’s were eating my plants alive.  We read that ladybugs like to eat aphids, so we bought 1,500+ ladybugs and released them into our ladybug friendly garden.  The ungrateful bastards left.  I got a text from my friend who lives across the street.  She sent a picture of a ladybug on her ceiling with a note that said “I believe this belongs to you.”  I’m not sure where the rest of them ended up, but we are going to refer to it as the Ladybug incident of 2013.

We think our million man ant army had something to do with chasing away our ladybugs.  Turns out that ants protect aphids in exchange for honeydew.  Honeydew sounds delicious, but it’s actually just aphid shit.  In exchange for protection, the aphids will shit in the ants mouth.  That is messed up.

So our line of thinking was, get rid of the majority of the ants and then the aphids will disappear.  Mission accepted.  I tried organic methods.  I read on Pinterest that ants hate peppermint oil.  I’m not sure which ants they surveyed to get this information, but the ants in my garden didn’t mind the oil at all.  I’m pretty sure it was just aroma therapy for them.  I also read on Pinterest that ants don’t like cornmeal.  I sprinkled some around hoping that the cornmeal would mess up their scent trails, causing them such inconvenience they would move out of my garden.  Turns out I just gave them a free meal.  I got rid of Pinterest since it was full of nothing but filthy lies.  I tried organic pest control and I swear I could almost hear the ants laughing at me.  Laughing at me!  At this point nothing in this part of the garden was growing except for the giant resorts the ants were building, so I thought I’d use some hard-core, non organic poison to get rid of a good number of these guys.  Every local garden center recommended Seven.  So I bought two bottles of this  powder to dump on my four by eight garden.  The black dirt was nothing but white powder when I was done.  I thought I had them.  Until the next morning when I woke up and found that they had used the poison powder to rebuild the ant mounds I had destroyed.  Now I understand how these tiny freaks of nature have been around since the days of the dinosaur.  It was at this point that I grabbed the dish soap in my last desperate attempt to kill them because someone told me dish soap kills ants.  Why is everybody messing with my head?  Anyway, I basically ended up creating a day spa for these ants.  Screw it.  I decided to let them live in my garden.

And just when I’ve accepted that bugs will rule my garden, I find out that plants can have and spread diseases.  My tomato plants are currently feeling under the weather.  Really?  Next year I’m going to have a rock garden instead.


How to Silence a Toddler with One Finger


So the little guy is going through the “mom…mom…mom…” phase.  It never ends.  He’s very curious and constantly has something on his mind that he wants to share with me.  Normally I have a deep appreciation for his inquisitiveness, but not before I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

So this morning, as I’m drinking my coffee, he stands in front of me and starts his endless string of questioning.  I’ve got one eye glued shut with old mascara, drool still coming out of my mouth and I can’t really focus on anything except getting the cup to my mouth.  I looked at him quietly, hoping to communicate with my eye how not up for this conversation I was, but he wasn’t getting it.  In a morning haze, I tried desperately to think of a way to silence him for just a few minutes.  Only half thinking, I slowly extended my finger towards my toddlers face.  He continued talking at sonic speed until I stuck my finger right up his little nostril.  He was instantly silent, and still, moving only his eyes from left to right, I’m assuming to see if anyone else was witnessing the unfolding insanity.  Because it had worked so well, I just kept my finger up there, enjoying the silence and drinking my coffee with my free hand.  It was the most peaceful thirty seconds of my life.