The Bizarre Mating Rituals of Today’s Teenager

So I went to the beach to watch the sunset the other day, and it was like stepping into some twisted episode of National Geographic.  I don’t think I’d survive in today’s teen world. Back when I was a teen, if a boy liked you there would be the awkward “so, uh, do you want to, you know,  go out or whatever?” conversation.  But from what I can tell that’s not really how it works anymore. For instance, while I was walking down to the shore I saw a girl rocking a two piece and a guy trying to rock some hot pink swim shorts.  He was trying to impress her with his diet and exercise regimen and I actually heard him say “But I don’t eat (unintelligible)  because that shit will constipate your ass.”  Oh yeah.  You’re nailing it, bra.  Nothing makes a girl want to blow you like poop talk.  So I’m walking along praying to all that is holy that he brings up genital warts next, because I’m pretty sure that was where his conversation was going to end up anyway.  It’s not just guys though.  For instance…

I saw a girl up on the sand dunes screaming and jumping around like someone had set her on fire.  The group of guys she was with looked scared and confused.  That’s when I noticed that, in an attempt to impress the boys, she had put like a gallon of sand down her bikini bottom and was jumping around to make it pour out.  Now I can’t be sure, but I think…I THINK…most boys do not find sandpaper snatch sexy.  There’s always exceptions to the rule, and sure teenage boys will hump just about anything, but I’d say you just scared away the reasonable boys and now all you’re left with is the man whore who has crabs.

And then last but certainly not least we have the local freak who went to a department store and asked the unsuspecting worker to help him with something.  As she was turned around, he whips out his ten foot long dong and pokes her in the butt with it.  I don’t know that it was actually ten feet long because I didn’t see it, but he was a black kid so based on legend I can only assume.  I’m pretty sure if the police hadn’t shown up and taken him away for sexual assault he would’ve totally gotten laid.


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