Monthly Archives: June 2013

Gross Jobs. You Do WHAT for a Living???

So I was reading about the worst jobs a person can have and was surprised to see News Reporter on the list.  I didn’t realize that gossiping and being nosy was so difficult.  I do it everyday with a kid on my hip while cooking dinner.

A news reporter is responsible for interviewing people, writing stories for publication, establishing contacts and sources, and fact checking.  I have found five jobs that I think are worse than that.

5.  A 2010 survey found that for every kilometer of coastline there were 8.9 tampon applicators as well as 22.5 pads.  Who’s job was it to walk the coastline and count used feminine products?  I wonder what the interview for that position was like.

4.   Livestock Masturbator.  How do you even explain that one to a potential life partner.  “I’m a nurse.  What do you do for a living, handsome?”  “I jack off animals.  It’s a hard job but someone has to do it. Get it?  ‘Hard job’.”  Check please.  Do you sweet talk the animals first, or just jump right in and get the party started?

3.  Fistula Feeder.  These people stick their hands inside a cow’s naughty hole to check for any digestive issues.  I’m thinking if the cow isn’t vomiting or having explosive diarrhea then it’s probably a non-issue.  They eat grass for Christ’s sake, how messed up can their system get?  Get your hand out of its ass and stop violating that cow.

2.  Semen washer.  Yes, guys.  When you go donate your little cup of love juice, someone has to wade through your little soldiers to make sure they’re up to code before they go marching off to reproduce.  Call me crazy, but I think that playing in someone else’s semen all day would be a lot worse than covering the traffic accident up the road.

1.  Vagina Doctor.  Sure, at first it sounds like a sweet gig, working around vagina’s all day.  Google “blue waffle” images and then get back to me.  Once you see it, you can never un-see it.  You’ve been warned.

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The Bizarre Mating Rituals of Today’s Teenager

So I went to the beach to watch the sunset the other day, and it was like stepping into some twisted episode of National Geographic.  I don’t think I’d survive in today’s teen world. Back when I was a teen, if a boy liked you there would be the awkward “so, uh, do you want to, you know,  go out or whatever?” conversation.  But from what I can tell that’s not really how it works anymore. For instance, while I was walking down to the shore I saw a girl rocking a two piece and a guy trying to rock some hot pink swim shorts.  He was trying to impress her with his diet and exercise regimen and I actually heard him say “But I don’t eat (unintelligible)  because that shit will constipate your ass.”  Oh yeah.  You’re nailing it, bra.  Nothing makes a girl want to blow you like poop talk.  So I’m walking along praying to all that is holy that he brings up genital warts next, because I’m pretty sure that was where his conversation was going to end up anyway.  It’s not just guys though.  For instance…

I saw a girl up on the sand dunes screaming and jumping around like someone had set her on fire.  The group of guys she was with looked scared and confused.  That’s when I noticed that, in an attempt to impress the boys, she had put like a gallon of sand down her bikini bottom and was jumping around to make it pour out.  Now I can’t be sure, but I think…I THINK…most boys do not find sandpaper snatch sexy.  There’s always exceptions to the rule, and sure teenage boys will hump just about anything, but I’d say you just scared away the reasonable boys and now all you’re left with is the man whore who has crabs.

And then last but certainly not least we have the local freak who went to a department store and asked the unsuspecting worker to help him with something.  As she was turned around, he whips out his ten foot long dong and pokes her in the butt with it.  I don’t know that it was actually ten feet long because I didn’t see it, but he was a black kid so based on legend I can only assume.  I’m pretty sure if the police hadn’t shown up and taken him away for sexual assault he would’ve totally gotten laid.

Top 5 Reasons It’s Great to be a Woman

5.  We get to see our boobies anytime we want.

4.  Men hold the door open for us.  Then we get to decide if we’re offended or grateful for it.  Either way our response is acceptable.

3.  We get to use child-birth as a reason why we never have to do anything again. Ever.  For instance, when asked something like “Honey, do you plan on cleaning today?” the response can be “Probably you should do it because do you see that daughter of yours?  Well I squeezed her out of my vagina ten years ago and I’m exhausted“.

2.  Once a month we’re allowed to go to sleep as an angel, and wake up as a demon that Satan himself would fear.  We can milk that for a week or so before it becomes “unacceptable” or whatever.

1.  Once a year we get to go to the vagina doctor and flash our girl goodies to a rich man.  Sure we have to pay him to take a look, but at least it doesn’t end with the police showing up telling you to “put it away.”