The Awkward Pedicure

So today I decided to cash in a birthday gift certificate that my mom-in-law gave me to get a pedicure with my daughter.  Feet are gross, so this is only the second pedicure I’ve ever gotten.

They sat us in these huge chairs that had elaborate massage systems in them, and a spa tub full of warm water circulating over your feet.  As the massage chair worked it’s magic, I realized that it was shaking my upper body from left to right resulting in my “girls” jiggling around obnoxiously.  So I wondered if this little show I was putting on would get me a free future pedicure.  In case you’re wondering, it did not.

They left us there for a while to relax.  The wait for them to come work on our feet was kind of long, but in a chair like that who’d complain?  I’ll tell you who.  The crab ass in the chair next to me.  She makes it known that she is not happy about how long it had taken, and she needed to be attended to immediately.  Holy shit lady!  This guy has a sharp object in his hand and I’m pretty sure he’s a direct descendant of Bruce Lee.  You maybe don’t want to piss him off.  I don’t want any bloodshed, while I’m relaxing in my CHAIR!

So eventually, this guy begins working on my toes, and he starts speaking his language with the guy working on crab ass.  It was making me really self conscious.   Damn it.  I have GOT to learn this language.  What the hell are these guys talking about?  It’s my feet.  They’re talking about my ugly feet.  Or football…I can’t tell.

Then it was time for the massage part of the pedicure.  He grabbed some lotion and started massaging my legs and feet.  Umm, I’m pretty sure this qualifies as foreplay.  Am I supposed to blow this guy when he’s done?  Because every woman knows that no man on earth gives massages for nothing.  Just to be on the safe side I made eye contact with him and firmly stated that I was happily married.

The only “payment” that was required were the gift certificates and of course I tipped him.  It was one of the best birthday gifts ever.  My daughter really enjoyed herself too.  We’ll have to do it again sometime.

I really miss that chair…



5 responses to “The Awkward Pedicure

  1. That’s hysterical! I hate feet too and very rarely get a pedicure. But lucky for me I found a women who speaks only English. Now when she says what ugly feet I have and thanks for not shaving, I can clearly understand! I’m not sure that’s better. ha!


  2. Oh my gosh those chairs are sooo AMAZING! I love getting pedicures! I have a gift certificate from my daughter from my birthday last August that I still need to use, but I don’t want to waste it with being winter and all and having my toes hidden and all tucked into fuzzy socks. I’ve never had a guy do mine, that would be slightly awkward haha! I always wonder what they’re talking about too and actually think it’s sort of rude for them to do that. But I guess it doesn’t really matter in the long run, my feet always look and feel wonderful when I leave. You should have posted pics. 🙂


    • In keeping with your Russian Christmas theme, I relaly embrace experiencing a new cultural experience. Two years ago I had the opportunity to go to my first Native American Pow Wow, with two Native Elders. Definitely a lot of richness to that experience. And certainly a new thing for this German-Swede! Looking forward to exploring what new cultural event or tradition I could experience this year.


  3. Ewwwwwwww….


  4. Every pedicure is so awkward for me. I can’t stand for anyone to touch my feet, they are so repulsive. I do find them necessary during flip flop season, though. The last one I got included some harsh and painful massage/hitting of my calves, which I sure was just punishment for my sad little feet. Great post!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s