Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Awkward Pedicure

So today I decided to cash in a birthday gift certificate that my mom-in-law gave me to get a pedicure with my daughter.  Feet are gross, so this is only the second pedicure I’ve ever gotten.

They sat us in these huge chairs that had elaborate massage systems in them, and a spa tub full of warm water circulating over your feet.  As the massage chair worked it’s magic, I realized that it was shaking my upper body from left to right resulting in my “girls” jiggling around obnoxiously.  So I wondered if this little show I was putting on would get me a free future pedicure.  In case you’re wondering, it did not.

They left us there for a while to relax.  The wait for them to come work on our feet was kind of long, but in a chair like that who’d complain?  I’ll tell you who.  The crab ass in the chair next to me.  She makes it known that she is not happy about how long it had taken, and she needed to be attended to immediately.  Holy shit lady!  This guy has a sharp object in his hand and I’m pretty sure he’s a direct descendant of Bruce Lee.  You maybe don’t want to piss him off.  I don’t want any bloodshed, while I’m relaxing in my CHAIR!

So eventually, this guy begins working on my toes, and he starts speaking his language with the guy working on crab ass.  It was making me really self conscious.   Damn it.  I have GOT to learn this language.  What the hell are these guys talking about?  It’s my feet.  They’re talking about my ugly feet.  Or football…I can’t tell.

Then it was time for the massage part of the pedicure.  He grabbed some lotion and started massaging my legs and feet.  Umm, I’m pretty sure this qualifies as foreplay.  Am I supposed to blow this guy when he’s done?  Because every woman knows that no man on earth gives massages for nothing.  Just to be on the safe side I made eye contact with him and firmly stated that I was happily married.

The only “payment” that was required were the gift certificates and of course I tipped him.  It was one of the best birthday gifts ever.  My daughter really enjoyed herself too.  We’ll have to do it again sometime.

I really miss that chair…