Resolutions

grumpy cat resolution

All in all 2012 wasn’t such a bad year.  I reached my fitness goals, managed to keep all three of my kids alive, and dodged what could have been a really bad situation involving laser hair removal on my cha-cha.  Despite the havoc that the Mayans caused, we’re all still here to celebrate a new year.

I love making new years resolutions.  I write them down, and then at the end of the year I check back to have a good laugh.  I swear, as I’m writing them I’m thinking well that’s not gonna happen.  Ever.  But they say it’s the thought that counts, so I figure I’m good.

Here’s some bull shit for 2013

5.  Swear less, because it’s not very “ladylike”.  F***ing vagina…

4.  Work out more.  And by “work out” I mean post inspirational quotes on Pinterest while eating my boston cream donuts, because let’s be honest, working out sucks.

3.  Drink less alcohol.  Except for wine, wine is good for you.  And vodka and rum, because even my liver likes vodka and rum.

2.  Volunteer at a retirement home.  Actually, I’ve been trying to do this one all year.  I filled out an application and everything, but I never heard back.  I’m not sure why, except maybe when that one lady asked me did I like working with old people and I said just the ones that drink, swear and watch porn because that’s within my comfort zone.  Clearly I was joking…mostly…

1.  Be more accepting and less judgmental.   Except for when I’m at Wal-Mart, because sometimes the only reason I even go there is to judge others and feel better about myself.  Oh don’t act like you’ve never done it…

I’ll let you all know how it goes.  Happy New Year!  May 2013 bring you lots of laughter and happiness!

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6 responses to “Resolutions

  1. Sweetie, your #5 resolution almost made me fall out of my chair laughing. I’ll make #3 my resolution too. And call me when you go to Wal-Mart… it’ll be fun!

    Love, Mom

    Like

  2. Haha great resolutions! Thank you once again for making me laugh Lisa, I adore your humor so much! Happy new year!

    Like

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