Oh my GOSH I’ve always wanted a stalker!

Not my actual stalker

I just thought he’d be handsome and mysterious, like a modern-day portrayal of a vampire, not this twiggy, young turd that I’ve been dealing with since the start of school.  If I end up dead and they make a movie about it, I’d like Megan Fox to play me.  I look nothing like Megan Fox, but it’s my movie so I should get to pick.

So at the beginning of the semester, this twenty-one year old kid wrote me a love letter.  It was odd, that someone so old would be writing notes in class, but he was so socially awkward that I just felt bad for him.  He said that I was “beautiful” and that my “smile puts butterflies” in him.  (I’m sorry…what?!)  He asked that “if possible, can you please smile at me and say ‘Good Morning’ each morning”?  While I was put on alert by my sixth sense, I didn’t want to embarrass him or hurt his feelings, or send him into a psychotic rage, so I walked with him after the next class and politely let him know that I was not interested in “getting to know him better” or “hanging out after class” because I was married and also twice his age.  To hammer the point home I informed him that my son is around his age!  He informs me that he has a toddler, and with extreme bitterness said that “she drives me f***ing nuts!”  I giggled nervously and said something like “Ah, you know…terrible two’s!”  To which he replied “Her name is Grace.  You think she’d have a little grace with a name like that, but she f***ing doesn’t”.  I think he might hate his child, but I get the impression he doesn’t see her much.  So now I know he’s a whack job, and decide that I will no longer be communicating with him.

We are now at a point where even though no further words have been exchanged, every time class is over he waits for me, and then falls in right behind me to walk to the parking lot.  I can feel him right on my heels and smell his stinky breath.  It smells like poop with a little bit of crazy.  He’s also switched from parking in the front lot, to parking in the back lot where I always park.  So the walk from the building to the empty lot is a very long one with him right on my ass.  I’m not sure if he’s trying to ass rape me, or shank me, but either way, I don’t like it.  There are a few other things he does that get him into my personal space, and when I look at him with disapproval he just stares at me with a glazed look in his eyes, like he’s crazy!  Here’s the problem with that though…

This little guy has no idea who he’s messing with.  I’m a woman, it’s in my DNA to be f***ing crazy!  Couple that with my extreme PMS and this tiny little stalker doesn’t stand a chance.  I’m getting some mace, a baseball bat, and maybe even a sword, I’m not sure yet, but stalker boy should be scared.  Not because of my mace, but because my husband is pretty bad ass.  And if stalker boy doesn’t get the hint when I lay out that I don’t like what he’s doing and he needs to stop, then I’m totally telling on him.

I’m not scared at this point.  Just a bit creeped out and annoyed.  But just in case…remember…Megan Fox.  Make it happen.


10 responses to “Oh my GOSH I’ve always wanted a stalker!

  1. Lol…I’d definitely go with the sword.


  2. why am I here in a handbasket?

    I think the “loaded gun pointing at his head” is always the best option. I have one you can borrow. Your husband needs to be waiting beside your car after class.


    • While the loaded gun would certainly be the most effective, I’m a horrible shot. I should be embarrassed about how horrible my aim is. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I usually pee sitting down.


  3. wow…that is creepy. sword. definitely.


  4. I’ve been blog stalking you for months!


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