Monthly Archives: October 2012

For The Love Of All That Is Holy…

While browsing Pinterest the other day, I came across this blog post called 25 Ways to Communicate Respect (to your husband without saying a word).  I thought “well there’s something I may learn a thing or two from, and if not I can rest assured that I am better and smarter than most wives.”  So I decided to check it out.  It’s basically a list of the ways that a proper, good, happy wife should treat her husband.  Some of the list is basic common sense.  Like listening when he speaks to you, kissing him goodbye, or not talking bad about him.  I’m great at those kinds of things!  I always listen to my husband when he’s talking to me, as long as I’m not on Facebook, Pinterest, blogging or doing homework, and provided that the kids aren’t interrupting…Hmm, maybe I should start listening to my husband more…Nah, I’ll just keep insisting that he’s the one with poor communication skills.  I’d like to go over a few of the points that I have a problem with following.  For instance:

2. Honor His Wishes

Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)

Everything that is important to my husband instantly becomes important to me.  Um, small problem with the whole “Don’t make him ask twice” thing though.  My husband has to ask at least four times if he wants something done around here.  Also, the man would never ask me to limit computer time.  Because he wants to keep both of his balls.

7. Don’t Nag

Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old…

My husband is a grown man?!  Clearly this woman hasn’t met my husband.  As soon as he finishes laughing at his own farts I’ll introduce you.  Nagging works!  I’m not giving up the only weapon I have in my arsenal aside from my vagina.

9.  Smile at Him

Yeah…I tried that.  He thought I was plotting something evil.

10. Respond Physically

…Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too

Men are ALWAYS in the mood.  It’s impossible for any wife to keep up.  My girl goodies are not open for business 24/7.  We close for maintenance, and sometimes we really do have a headache.  Tough shit.

17. Dress to Please Him

Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.

I’ll try…tomorrow morning when I choose my outfit, instead of asking “What would Jesus do” (like I usually do when picking out clothes) I’ll ask “What would Phil like”.  I’m pretty sure my red lace bra with matching panties is going to be inappropriate for my daughter’s school party, but whatever.

18.  Keep the House Tidy

Well…shit.  Define “tidy”.

24.  Don’t Argue

You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word…

Except that I am always right and I do always have to have the last word.  It’s okay though.  My husband likes it.  And if he tells you he doesn’t then he’s wrong.

25.  Follow His Lead

… Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

“Defer” to my husband’s wishes?!  I’m sorry, what?  Anyway, I tried that awhile back.  It’s now referred to as the “Incident of ’03”.  Won’t happen again.  Now all of my husbands decisions must be submitted to me in writing to be reviewed for approval.

As you can clearly see, the advice this woman has isn’t for every couple. I’ve had a very happy and successful marriage so far doing pretty much the opposite of most of her suggestions.  Some couples may find her article very useful though, and I’m certainly not judging those freaks.  Whatever works for each individual couple, I suppose.  Over here, we do best as equal partners.  We put each others needs above our own, we forgive each others faults, we smother each other with mutual love, trust and respect, and among so many other things, we share a never-ending supply of laughter.

You can visit the blog I’m referring to at Loving Life at Home – Jennifer Flanders

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Oh my GOSH I’ve always wanted a stalker!

Not my actual stalker

I just thought he’d be handsome and mysterious, like a modern-day portrayal of a vampire, not this twiggy, young turd that I’ve been dealing with since the start of school.  If I end up dead and they make a movie about it, I’d like Megan Fox to play me.  I look nothing like Megan Fox, but it’s my movie so I should get to pick.

So at the beginning of the semester, this twenty-one year old kid wrote me a love letter.  It was odd, that someone so old would be writing notes in class, but he was so socially awkward that I just felt bad for him.  He said that I was “beautiful” and that my “smile puts butterflies” in him.  (I’m sorry…what?!)  He asked that “if possible, can you please smile at me and say ‘Good Morning’ each morning”?  While I was put on alert by my sixth sense, I didn’t want to embarrass him or hurt his feelings, or send him into a psychotic rage, so I walked with him after the next class and politely let him know that I was not interested in “getting to know him better” or “hanging out after class” because I was married and also twice his age.  To hammer the point home I informed him that my son is around his age!  He informs me that he has a toddler, and with extreme bitterness said that “she drives me f***ing nuts!”  I giggled nervously and said something like “Ah, you know…terrible two’s!”  To which he replied “Her name is Grace.  You think she’d have a little grace with a name like that, but she f***ing doesn’t”.  I think he might hate his child, but I get the impression he doesn’t see her much.  So now I know he’s a whack job, and decide that I will no longer be communicating with him.

We are now at a point where even though no further words have been exchanged, every time class is over he waits for me, and then falls in right behind me to walk to the parking lot.  I can feel him right on my heels and smell his stinky breath.  It smells like poop with a little bit of crazy.  He’s also switched from parking in the front lot, to parking in the back lot where I always park.  So the walk from the building to the empty lot is a very long one with him right on my ass.  I’m not sure if he’s trying to ass rape me, or shank me, but either way, I don’t like it.  There are a few other things he does that get him into my personal space, and when I look at him with disapproval he just stares at me with a glazed look in his eyes, like he’s crazy!  Here’s the problem with that though…

This little guy has no idea who he’s messing with.  I’m a woman, it’s in my DNA to be f***ing crazy!  Couple that with my extreme PMS and this tiny little stalker doesn’t stand a chance.  I’m getting some mace, a baseball bat, and maybe even a sword, I’m not sure yet, but stalker boy should be scared.  Not because of my mace, but because my husband is pretty bad ass.  And if stalker boy doesn’t get the hint when I lay out that I don’t like what he’s doing and he needs to stop, then I’m totally telling on him.

I’m not scared at this point.  Just a bit creeped out and annoyed.  But just in case…remember…Megan Fox.  Make it happen.