Automatic Flush Toilets: It’s Like Russian Roulette For Your Butt

Sometimes you have to do something in life that gets your adrenaline pumping.  Something to feel alive.  Something wild and dangerous, like skydiving, or using an automatic flush toilet.

I never use a public restroom unless it’s absolutely necessary, but after three kids, “absolutely necessary” is anytime I cough, sneeze or laugh a little too hard. I’m always hopeful it will be a regular old-fashioned toilet that I have total control over, and I’m always let down when I see it’s an automatic.   After blurting out swear words and inappropriate phrases that would make even Eminem blush, I begin the game of Russian Roulette for my butt.  I sit down on the Devil’s urinal as slowly as possible so as not to activate the auto flush.  Success.  My ass is still dry.  I empty my bladder without moving, without breathing, without blinking.  And then Whoosh, the auto flush is somehow engaged.  What the hell…no fair, I didn’t even blink!   Now my butt is as wet as if I had fallen in!  I still have to pee a little, but I’m too cold and tense from my horrific ordeal.  Not only did I get soaked, but the toilet flushed with enough suction power to drag a small child down the toilet and all the way out to sea.  I almost died you know.  I finally calm down enough to resume urination.  The second I let my guard down the auto flush engages again!  Are you kidding me with this?  Am I being punk’d?  Ashton, is that you???  I look around and don’t spot any hidden camera’s, this is not a joke.  So I continue on with my business.  After I’m finished, I get up and…nothing.  No flush.  I wave my hand in front of the sensor, and still nothing.  I need the toilet to flush now, but it won’t.  So I’m standing there, staring at my eight ounces of processed water and some toilet paper, for everyone to see.  I try the manual button, no luck.  I give up and exit the stall to go wash my hands.  The second I unlock the door and step out, the toilet flushes.  Clearly the person who invented the auto flush toilet was a man who hates women.

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5 responses to “Automatic Flush Toilets: It’s Like Russian Roulette For Your Butt

  1. Pingback: How I Ended Up In The Bathroom Stall With The Waitress | Lisa's Rant

  2. Pingback: Automatic Toilets Terrify Me | luciustheninja

  3. this post made me laugh, but all seriousness I enjoy the sensation of swirling cold water flushing my bum so auto toilets don’t phase me. this all started for me when I lived in a house with my friend in my mid 20’s she crept in one day while I was on the toilet and gave my bottom a flush I was in shock but I actually enjoyed how it felt, with her standing there watching and laughing at me as I sat on the flushing stool it was even more thrilling. what’s even more exciting is standing up and pulling my pants up without drying off after the flush I feel wet and cold for sometime after & I hope that people notice my wet pants so that I can explain how I got my bum flushed

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  4. amy I hear you sister! I can’t say I have had anyone pull the chain for me, but I wouldn’t mind having it done. I often courtesy flush while on the pot and I get a decent splashing I take much pleasure in this. ill often take a seat on the toilet while still wearing my panties and pull the chain sending that swirling water right up my ass it leaves my panties soaked I love it

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