I love solicitors. I get really excited when I see them knocking on the neighborhood doors because it’s a great opportunity to create awkward moments. Not in a bad way, just in an I-have-no-idea-what-to-say-next-this-wasn’t-discussed-during-training way. I would think going door to door getting rejected all day in the sweltering heat is a crappy job, so a huge kudos to those that do it as opposed to sitting on the couch playing video games all day long expecting someone else to take care of their bills.
So the other day, just as I sat down for dinner there was a knock at the door. It’s showtime! I opened the door and a kid maybe in his early twenties smiles at me and says “You must be the Mom.” To which I replied “Why, because I look old?” He kept his smile in place and asked “Are you Lisa?” I stepped slowly out of the house, closing the door behind me, narrowing my eyes at him suspiciously. “Did Shay send you?” I demanded. (Shay is my neighbor next door) “SHAY” I yelled towards her house in a way meant to sound threatening but I’m thinking it just sounded insane. At this point his smile was still in tact but he fidgeted a bit. “No, I came on my own.” “Really” I said in a tone that indicated I thought he was a liar “Then how do you know my name? Are you stalking me?” “No” he laughed nervously, still not sure what to make of me. “My name is Devin. I apologize if I talk too fast, but I have thirty-six houses to visit tonight.” “Well let me save you some time, Devin, I don’t have any money to buy whatever it is you’re selling, because I just spent it all on my bail. Do you have any idea how much it costs to get out of jail these days?!” Devin would not be defeated. He said “Okay, well you haven’t really even heard me yet.” I replied “Are you saying I talk too much, Devin?” He takes a deep breath and regrouped. The next words out of his mouth were great, it took all I had not to start laughing. He says “Hi, my name is Devin. How are you doing tonight?” As though we hadn’t been talking for a minute and a half already. “Hi Devin. I’m poor. What can I do for you?” He proceeds to open a text-book to show me how easy it was to understand and follow this text-book. “Isn’t that cool?!” He asked me with fake enthusiasm. “Yeah, but I still don’t have any money to buy it. Unless you take Monopoly money. I have lots of that.” He was unrelenting and continued to flip through this book. “Hey Devin, I’ve got dinner on the table, and I really wish I could help you, but I truly can’t. I know some people pretend to be poor when they don’t want to buy something from you, but I really, really am poor. I had Ramen Noodles for lunch today. Yeah…that poor.” At this point he pulls out a bunch of names on a list of people who were buying his product to see if I knew anyone on the list. “Are you questioning my popularity?” I asked him “Because I am very popular, you know.” He said he wasn’t questioning my popularity. He gave up, and put his book away. I gave him some bottled water, and wished him well. Devin was a good sport. I told him if he ever sold Ramen Noodles to come back my way. I’m always in the market for some Ramen Noodles.