Attempted Running

Let me start by saying that I’m not a runner.  It’s not that I don’t want to be, it’s that every time I try to run, my legs and lungs tell me to piss off.  I had to chase after my dog once, and I only made it down my driveway before collapsing with shin splints and lung spasms.  My driveway is less than forty feet long.  I lay there in the fetal position while my dog came back to mock me.  Even he couldn’t believe how completely out of shape I was.  He’s so judgemental.

So exercising to be fit and healthy became my new motivation.  I’ve found that once you get into a habit of working out, it becomes almost like an addiction.  Some people do crack, I do Tae Bo.  I don’t look very graceful doing it, but in my head I’m a total bad ass.  If I don’t get my daily exercise, my Chi gets all out of whack, I get very edgy, and everyone around me turns into an asshole.  (Yes, it’s all of them, not me.)  Because of my new-found fitness, I thought I’d give running a try.

I made it about a mile and a half, MOSTLY running.  I’ve got a whole new respect for runners.  Hats off to you crazy freaks of nature.  You all look so graceful, free and happy.  Your obvious passion for running is inspiring.  I was flopping around like a kindergartener running from a boy with cooties.  I started out at a nice pace, my feet hitting the pavement in time with my husbands.  Toward the end of our route I was way ahead of him.  While he kept a nice even pace, I had sped up to get this torturous run over with.  I ran as though bill collectors were chasing me.  At the end of my run, I had sweat dripping down into cracks of my body that I’m usually not aware of.  It was not sexy.  I smelled foul and felt like my heart was pounding in my head.  Where real runners finish their route and feel a sense of accomplishment, I just felt the need to throw up and then eat a donut.

As soon as I can feel my legs again I’ll give it another go.   Seriously, kudos to all the runners out there.  You guys make it look so easy.


11 responses to “Attempted Running

  1. Gratz at surviving that mile and a half ~ I can’t run to save my life! Well, maybe I could if my life reeeally depended on it, but only then. I despise sweating so “working out” usually isn’t very appealing to me. Blech! I love riding bicycle though, so I do that instead when I feel like I’m needing some exercise. That is… when it isn’t 90 degrees out. 😉


    • Thank you! It really was not as easy as people make it look. I always see these fit, muscular, tan people in spandex running on the side of the road. It’s really hard for me to manuver around them while driving and eating my Big Mac. I was a big, sweaty, huffing and puffing mess. I think I’ll get better at this. I just need some motivation. Like a big rabid dog chasing me. 🙂 I haven’t rode a bike in ages! That sounds like fun.


  2. As someone who is short, chubby and out of shape mom, currently training to run a half marathon in October for the first time (I was drunk when I agreed, I swear), I found this post hilarious. Read like a page from my dysfunctional diary. Nice to know I’m not the only one.

    And not to sound too sappy, but I love your blog. I look forward to it in my email. I hope you tour stand up one day! (to Wisconsin, specifically.)


    • Good luck with your marathon! That’s so exciting! I haven’t planned anything like that yet, but keep me posted, I’d love to know how it goes. 🙂
      I’m so glad you liked the post! And I love the flattering compliment about hoping I tour stand up one day. Thank you! You made my whole week! I still can’t stop smiling about that. When I crack a joke at my teenage son he acts like I’m not funny and I’m like “Mindy thinks I’m funny.” 🙂


  3. Ha, ha, ha!! It sounds like you’re running experience was spot on. Those sneaky runners don’t tell you things like you sweat into areas that you didn’t know could sweat or that you might need to invest in a thing called “body glide” to help control chaffing or that some times you might lose bladder control. It’s all so very glamourous! And then your body craves it and you find yourself willingly running in the pouring rain and wondering how this happened to you. Good luck!


    • Ahh, yes, the “bladder control”. I found that out the hard way. I look forward to the body craving it part. Right now my body hates me. 🙂 Thanks for stopping in and sending luck my way, I need it!


  4. “Where real runners finish their route and feel a sense of accomplishment, I just felt the need to throw up and then eat a donut.”

    Hahaha YES. This is exactly how I feel after I do any type of exercise. Last week I decided I wanted to start a workout routine as well, and it turned out my metamorphosis into a runner was a very short-lived one– a whopping two days, and 4 miles, actually. It definitely takes a lof of devotion and it’s unfair that some people make it look so easy! But hopefully I can get right back out there tonight and start over, and hopefully you can too!

    Thanks for writing about something many of us can relate to. (:


  5. You’re a judgmental runner now?


    • Oh no no no…not yet anyway. Right now I’m actually more of a non judgmental, out of shape, jog in the shadows around midnight where no one can see me runner. That way I can have my mini heart attacks in peace. Once I get the hang of this, though, I’m going to run on a busy road in broad day light and judge the hell out of the non runners. 🙂


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