I’ve got three of them. A seventeen year old, an eight year old and a one year old. Aside from a few minor incidents, like the ceiling fan incident of ’03, or the county fair incident of ’98, I’ve done a pretty good job of being a mom. I consider the fact that I haven’t killed them, or sold them on the black market, a clear indication of my success. Now that we’ve established my professional status, I thought I’d share some of my wisdom with you. Here are just a few things I’ve learned along the way.
10. The parental curse is real and you should be very afraid. When my parents said the words “I hope you have kids just like you” I had no idea how powerful this curse actually was. I’m left wondering why they would do such a horrible thing to me.
9. You can stock your pantry and refrigerator to maximum capacity, but if there’s no Taco Bell in the house your kids will bitch that there’s “nothing to eat in here.” I remember being the same way as a kid. I was going to call my mom and apologize, but after remembering the parental curse she placed on me, I figure it’s really all her fault and I’m not so sure I’m actually sorry now.
8. Kids are selfish. “Feed me”, “Change my diaper”, “I need lunch money”, it’s all about them. Not once has my one year old asked me about how my day is going.
7. While giving birth, when the nurse asks if you’d like a mirror to witness the miracle, always say no. As beautiful as the event is, it isn’t pretty. You’ll never look at your vagina the same way again.
6. Kids repeat everything. Everything. Somewhere there is a very traumatized pre-school teacher trying to forget the things my child has told her.
5. Kids go through an age where they are brutally honest. Even with strangers. I’ve had to ditch a shopping cart more than once just to make it out alive.
4. Kids hate it when you sleep. It really pisses them off.
3. When your teenage son grows two feet taller than you, it’s best to make him sit down before yelling at him. You won’t be intimidating if you’re half his size and you have to yell louder just so he can hear you all the way up there.
2. Kids will eat anything. Poop, crayons, glue, spiders. Just not vegetables. Those are “gross”.
1. If you “triple dog dare” a kid, they’ll drink out of a toilet.