Deep Thoughts On The Beach

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So the other day I had a rare opportunity to have some alone time with myself, which is great because I really like my company. I chose to go to my favorite place, the beach, to watch the sunset. I go often, but usually I have my husband and kids with me, so most of my “peaceful” sunset is spent watching my husband fight off the bugs that seem to bother only him, my daughter showing me how she can do cartwheels, or cleaning up my baby after he’s decided to swallow a mouth full of sand and then barf everywhere. It’s a lot different going to the beach by myself. I walked along the shore until I left the other beachgoers behind, and I sat alone trying to clear my mind and enjoy the sunset.

Okay, Lisa. Breathe…clear your mind…life is good. What a beautiful sunset! Look at those waves. JESUS CHRIST there’s a dog coming. Where the hell did he come from?! He’s running toward me with his gigantic teeth, snarling and snorting. He’s going to bite me right in the vagina, I know it. What do I do?! I’m going to die. Death by dog. As the dog got closer, I realized two things. One, it was on a leash. Two, the Yorkie puppy didn’t want to kill me. In fact, it didn’t even notice me. Whew! That’s a relief. Why do people think I’m such a drama queen?

Alone again. Clear your mind. Deep breath. I can see the city in the distance, over the water, the sun setting behind the skyscrapers. I love the sound of the waves crashing. The universe is so amazing. HOLY SHIT there are two people headed my way! They’re going to rob me and take my two dollars. And my phone! Figures. I just downloaded some great songs from iTunes. They’re getting closer. One will hold me down while the other one takes my super cool sweatshirt and stabs me. No one is around to help me. I’m going to die. Damn my awesome sweatshirt and the trouble it causes me. Here it comes, I’ve no escape. The nice elderly gentleman waved and his sweet wife said “hello” to me. They kept on walking along the shore, past me, and away in the distance holding hands. Well THAT could have been a disaster.

Deep breath. Clear your mind. Clear…your…WHO ARE THEY!? What were they doing in the woods? There’s three of them. All guys. I won’t stand a chance. They’re going to chop me up into tiny pieces and mail random parts of my body to my family and friends. Oooooh, I wonder who will get my boob. I hope it’s my sister. That would gross her out. Eww, what if my dad gets it? This is it, here they come, I’m going to die. The three young hikers didn’t say a word. Not a “hello” or a wave, or any kind of acknowledgement that I was even sitting there. How rude.

The rest of my sunset was uneventful and very peaceful. I walked the shoreline back to my super sexy mini van, letting the waves come up and grab my feet every now and then. I can’t wait to do it again.

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6 responses to “Deep Thoughts On The Beach

  1. You are a hoot! I’m glad you survived that horrible sunset! Close call for sure!! šŸ˜€

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  2. So funny! Enjoy the beach!

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  3. LOL. You are too funny. I hope your vagina stays bite free and your sweatshirt never fades with time. šŸ™‚

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