My Husband Tried To Kill Me

Okay, so I know that I can be a drama queen sometimes.  And yes, sometimes I exaggerate things in my mind and they become my new and more interesting reality.  But I’m telling you, my husband wants me dead.  How do I know this, you ask?  Well let me tell you…

For the first half of the year my husband worked the midnight shift.  I had the bed all to myself each night.  There was no snoring, no cover snatching, and nobody shoving his big toe up my ass.  It was sleep heaven, just me and my trusty old wooden baseball bat.  For what?  In case a bad guy came into my home and tried to steal all of my five dollars while I was sleeping.  OR in case of a midnight baseball game with the neighbors.  You never know, it could happen.

Anyway, during this second half of the year my husband is on the day shift, so now I have to share my bed.  I’m not a big fan of sharing because I’m selfish.  Apparently my husband is also not a fan of sharing, and I know this because the very first night he was back in my bed he tried to kill me.

I was sleeping peacefully when all of a sudden I felt like there was no oxygen.  I opened my eyes to find that I had been buried alive.  What the hell is going on?   What’s so heavy?  I have to pee.  With great difficulty I began to move out from my grave.  My husband “in his sleep” deposited all the blankets on top of me, mountain style.  On top of all the blankets were several pillows.  He likes to sleep on his side with a pillow wedged against his chest.  He spoons the pillows.  Well each time he would roll over he would deposit the pillow on top of me “in his sleep” and then he’d roll back over and grab the next pillow and repeat.  By the end of the night I had like five pillows on top of me.  Why do I have so many damn pillows on this bed?  He claims he had no idea he had buried me, but I’m sleeping with one eye open.  I’m just saying.

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10 responses to “My Husband Tried To Kill Me

  1. Suuuurre he did it “in his sleep”… bah! sounds like a murder plot to me. 😉 My ex worked nights a lot and I loved having the bed all to myself. Now, of course, because he’s my “ex” I get the bed to myself all the time so that’s perfect! The only one I’d ever have to worry about murdering me in my sleep is my cat. Wait… maybe that should worry me ~ we all know how evil and diabolical cats can be. 😉

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    • LOL! Cats are too sweet. Mine sometimes curls up and sleeps right on my throat. Once in a while when she’s really cuddly, she’ll even put her paw over my nose and mouth. Waaaait a minute… 🙂

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  2. My husband make a “fort” around him with pillows. He thinks he’s a bear needing a den and sometimes my face gets in the way, too. I’m thinking about installing an airplane oxygen mask above the bed. Just in case.

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  3. 1wanderingtruthseeker

    I am the same as your husband. I pile all the covers and all but one pillow on top of my husband. He doesn’t like it very well seeing as how he is a big fellow. heheheh

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    • I suppose it’s my own fault for storing so many pillows on my bed. This post has me wondering if I have some sort of pillow obsession. 🙂

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  4. Once upon a time, a robber somehow got into Queen Elizabeth’s bed chambers. When all was said and done, most people were upset that the Queen didn’t sleep with her prince. However, I believe that the Queen, being royally disposed towards needing her sleep and also seemingly very rational, realized that “sleeping” with one’s mate is a terrible misnomer. Only one mate ever gets any sleep. So she got her own bed chamber. What a brilliant idea! There are so many other ways to get in “that other activity” supposedly equated with the bed, and so many other times. So, folks, men and women, kick your mate out of the bedroom, or go sleep in the guest room yourself and you’ll all be wide awake and raring to go for any other activity when you awaken!;-)

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  5. Haha too funny!! I can’t say I’ve ever been buried under pillows … but I did have an ex who liked to cuddle/spoon a little tooooo tight, and his arms would always find purchase a wee bit close to my throat if you asked me! He denied all ill doing as well! Pffttt!!!

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