Monthly Archives: July 2012

I’m Allergic To The County Fair

This picture has nothing to do with my post. I just wanted to moon you.

Ah, the county fair, a sign that summer is in full swing. All year-long I look forward to fried veggies, elephant ears, cotton candy and fried snickers bars. I love the lights of the ferris wheel, and that game with the cute little mouse that runs into the numbered hole. I don’t play it, I just stand around waiting to see the mouse and then yell out “There he is! Look at him go!” I had to sell my left nipple just to pay for our visit to the fair this year, but I had a blast! My husband took our daughter on the rides while I wore the baby in a sling for a little bit of forced cuddle time. The weather was perfect and we ran into several friends. The only problem is that it turns out I’m allergic to large groups of teenagers. Being exposed causes me to yell swear words.

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Conversations With My Mother

 

Mom: So, I took your father’s medicine the other day by mistake.

Me: Oh my gosh!  Is that bad?!  Is it going to hurt you?!

Mom: Well, I don’t have a prostate so it certainly isn’t going to help me.

Renaissance Faire Part III

Quotes From Ren Fair

My husband wore camouflage shorts.  A man working in one of the shops yells out “Good Sir, I can barely see you!”

My cousin was wearing Hollister apparel.  Someone in tights with a feather in his hat pointed at my cousin and said “You’re dressed funny.”

A man selling roasted nuts calls out to people passing by “Try my nuts!  Put my nuts in your mouth!”  Then looking at my cousin says “You know you want to…”  Note: His nuts were delicious.  We buy the cinnamon almonds every year.

My eight year old daughter noticing a male horse.  “Eww, he’s pooping.  Wait, that’s not poop…”

A girl working in a shop announced that all items are dishwasher, oven and microwave safe.  A man shopping asks “What be-ith a micro wave?” to which the worker replied “It’s a magical box that in the future will hold lightning.”

I was pushing the baby in a stroller with my husband walking next to me.  A man stopped us and insisted my husband push the stroller, stating that “She did all the pushing in the beginning, now it’s your turn.”

I was looking at some of the jewelry, when an old man sitting in the booth says “Are you looking for a necklace to accent that wonderful bust line?”  Well I was, you creepy old perv, but now I think I’ll just go buy a drink.

Well, that’s it for the Ren Fair experience!  Thanks for stopping in!  Have a great weekend.

Renaissance Faire Part II

The people of Ren Fair.

Okay, where do I begin? They leave me speechless! I love the costumes, and would dress up myself if it wasn’t a hundred degree’s every time I’ve gone there. The chainmail bikini is not an option for this girl. Not only would it not be flattering to my figure, but I’ll pass on the first degree burns to my nipples once that metal heats up.

Oh! This one is a good picture…

This is not a real statue. It’s a person. The first time I saw her move I freaked out. Now every time I’m there I poke and prod anything that looks like a statue just to make sure. I don’t want anymore surprises. All I need is some damn gargoyle attacking me from behind. My mom says it must be a hard job standing out in the heat in make-up and costume all day, not being able to move for the most part. I’ve done worse for money. I’d stand still and watch people drop money into a vase at me feet.

Check out this guy…

This guy was spunky! I have no idea where this man got his energy from, but he was non-stop the entire drum jam. Has anyone seen the movie “Office Space”? He looks like Milton’s skinny twin! Accountant during the week, medieval party animal during the weekend. I named him Bob. I like Bob. He was entertaining.

I don’t know what this contraption is called but I want one…

There was a lady drummer who reached over and squeezed one of the horns on this instrument. I thought the owner was going to punch her in the throat.

Oh yeah, can’t forget this guy…

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This guy dances on a ball and plays with fans.  Also, he has a beak.  For those of you that think he’s a bit weird, let me tell you about the young hot blonde that was stalking him insisting that he fan her off while she danced for him.  Not so geeky now, is he?  All the little kids were like “BALL!” trying to take it out from under him.

I’m pretty sure I’m related to this one…

One time, this guy tried to steal my pickle.  While I was pregnant.  He almost died…

This is the lady with the banana I was telling you about…

There are so many more pictures, but you get the point right?  Friday I will post some of the most memorable quotes I heard at Ren Fair.

Renaissance Faire Part I

I spent this past weekend at the Ren Fair, and I have SO much to talk about I don’t even know where to begin!  I love the Ren Fair!  It’s a place where it’s okay to get your weird on.  I’m not really into medieval times.  Mostly because I like electricity, flushing toilets and McDonald’s.  My parents invited us to tag along a few years ago, and I had so much fun that I try to go at least once a season.  My parents dress up and everything!  As long as my dad doesn’t start wearing tights or insist that I call him “my lord” I support them one hundred percent.  The make up and costumes are elaborate and everyone is laughing and having a great time as they blurt out hilarious comments at you when you walk by.  You never know what you’re in for, but it’s always a great time.

What I learned at Ren Fair:

There are women in this world that don’t care if they’re sixty years old and sagging to the ground, they’ll walk around in a chainmail bikini.

If you look at necklaces for sale there will be some sort of comment about your boobs.

Everyone can fake a British accent.

There’s a woman who draws a face on a banana and carries it around with her.

When people say “Huzzah”, “Bless you” is not the appropriate response.

No man looks good in tights.

People say “God save the Queen” a lot.  It took me half of a day to figure out they weren’t talking about me.

On Wednesday I’ll post some pictures and discuss the people of Ren Fair, and then on Friday I’ll post some funny quotes from Ren Fair. 

Junk My Kids Have Taught Me

I’ve got three of them.  A seventeen year old, an eight year old and a one year old.  Aside from a few minor incidents, like the ceiling fan incident of ’03, or the county fair incident of ’98, I’ve done a pretty good job of being a mom.  I consider the fact that I haven’t killed them, or sold them on the black market, a clear indication of my success.  Now that we’ve established my professional status, I thought I’d share some of my wisdom with you.  Here are just a few things I’ve learned along the way.

10.  The parental curse is real and you should be very afraid.  When my parents said the words “I hope you have kids just like you” I had no idea how powerful this curse actually was.  I’m left wondering why they would do such a horrible thing to me.

9.  You can stock your pantry and refrigerator to maximum capacity, but if there’s no Taco Bell in the house your kids will bitch that there’s “nothing to eat in here.”  I remember being the same way as a kid.  I was going to call my mom and apologize, but after remembering the parental curse she placed on me, I figure it’s really all her fault and I’m not so sure I’m actually sorry now.

8.  Kids are selfish.  “Feed me”, “Change my diaper”, “I need lunch money”, it’s all about them.  Not once has my one year old asked me about how my day is going.

7.  While giving birth, when the nurse asks if you’d like a mirror to witness the miracle, always say no.  As beautiful as the event is, it isn’t pretty.  You’ll never look at your vagina the same way again.

6.  Kids repeat everything.  Everything.  Somewhere there is a very traumatized pre-school teacher trying to forget the things my child has told her.

5.  Kids go through an age where they are brutally honest.  Even with strangers.  I’ve had to ditch a shopping cart more than once just to make it out alive.

4.  Kids hate it when you sleep.  It really pisses them off.

3.  When your teenage son grows two feet taller than you, it’s best to make him sit down before yelling at him.  You won’t be intimidating if you’re half his size and you have to yell louder just so he can hear you all the way up there.

2.  Kids will eat anything.  Poop, crayons, glue, spiders.  Just not vegetables.  Those are “gross”.

1.  If you “triple dog dare” a kid, they’ll drink out of a toilet.

 

Studying Despite The Toddler

I’ve recently gone back to school, but I’m easing my way into it.  I’m only taking one very easy online course.  Read a chapter, answer a question.  Simple, right?  Yeah, except for that my toddler has taken this as a personal challenge to break me.  Let me give you an example.

I’m on the back porch with my textbook.  My mission is to read Chapter 5.  My son’s mission…to make it impossible.

I open the textbook, and it all begins.  “Mommy.”  “Mommy has to study sweetie. Go play with your toys.”  He looks at his toys, and then back at me.  After a few seconds of staring at me he says “Mommy!”  Just ignore him.  Focus on your textbook.  “Moooommmmmy.”  Clearly this kid is not getting the hint.  Oh, look at that.  He’s playing the bongos on my textbook.  Stay strong.  At this point, baby boy moves to plan B.  I’m reading my textbook trying to absorb information and the next thing I know he’s climbing into my lap.  I maneuver the book around him to keep reading, paying no attention to what he’s doing.  Now he’s in my lap, facing me, and he positions himself right in my line of vision.  He extends his finger toward my face.  What’s he gonna do with…oh, okay, there it goes, right up my nose. “Eww, stop it.” I said.  Giggling, he places his hands over my eyes as I try not to laugh.  Must resist his charm.  “Baby, Mommy has to study this and then we’ll play.  I love you.”  I kiss his little cheek and place him on the ground.  Out of the corner of my eye I notice he’s just standing there looking in my direction.  I sneak a quick peek and realize he’s making random goofy faces at me.  “Seriously kid, stop being so cute.  Go play so mommy can finish this.”  At this point, I have no idea what the hell I’ve read so far.  Baby boy went over to his toys, and I was optimistic that I would finally be able to get some reading done.  Silly Mommy. What the hell was that?!  As a toy truck flew in between my face and my book, almost imbedding itself into my jaw, I look over at baby boy, who was looking around like he had no idea what was going on.  I put the book down and firmly told baby that we do not throw toys at people, unless it’s someone Mommy doesn’t like.  At this point I gave up trying to study, deciding to do it during baby’s nap time.  I settle in on the floor to play.  Sensing his victory, baby boy walks away, wanting nothing to do with me.  Are you kidding me with this?!