I’ve been a huge fan of camping my entire life. Some of my greatest childhood memories involve my sister and I learning several new swear words while assembling the tent and setting up camp with our parents. Ten years ago, when I met my husband, he tricked me into thinking that he also liked the great outdoors. As we left the church right after saying “I do” amid his evil laugh I heard him mutter something like “I hate camping. And the beach.” What?!
Anyway, I do get to camp at least once a summer, and although my husband has wanted a travel trailer for some time now, I’ve been able to hold him off on it. So we went on a camping trip earlier this week, with our tent, and here’s how it went…
We spent the entire day packing and ended up at camp around five in the evening. Upon arrival we were told there was a fire ban so absolutely no campfires. My husband, being one to adapt and overcome, got permission for citronella candles and set several of them into the fire pit. The result was a nice bright glow from the flames, along with a very lemony scent that drove away the mosquito’s but seemed to attract the moths. They were dive bombing our fake fire. Also, I do not recommend roasting marshmallows over a citronella candle. The marshmallow just doesn’t taste the same, and you’ll have to pick moths out of it anyway.
Being that we’re in the middle of a drought, baby boy was in dirt heaven. Every time any of us took a step, we’d stir up a huge dirt cloud and spent most of our trip sneezing and choking on dirt. At one point I look over and baby boy coughs out a huge dirt plume. He had taken a handful of dirt and decided to eat it. The look on his face clearly indicated he did NOT like eating dirt, although sadly it’s the same look he has anytime Mommy cooks a meal. I’m running around trying to find water for him to drink and something to wipe his face off with. My husband is running around looking for a camera to capture this memory. What about this does he think I want to remember?!
So after a long day setting up camp in the heat, insisting the entire time that I loved setting up camp, the cold night air sets in. I got no rest on our air mattress for several reasons. First, I was freezing. Second, the tent was humid and wet, and third, every time my husband would toss and turn he’d catapult me off of the bed. The raccoons tried to carry our tent away, and I heard something that sounded like a human howl at the moon followed by a series of small explosions. What is happening?! Then some unidentified creature was making noises right in the woods outside of our tent. Has anyone seen the movie “Predator”? I’m pretty sure he was in the tree on our campsite.
Morning rolls around and my eyes are so bloodshot I could’ve played the lead role in “Dazed and Confused”. Still insisting to my husband that I love tent camping and feel great, I sneezed out an entire mud pie right onto the ground in front of him. The day heats up just in time to take down the tent. I was ready to pass out, my husband kept giving me the “I’m gonna smother you in your sleep” look while dripping buckets of sweat. I would have reminded him that I love tent camping except that he had a hatchet nearby and probably I didn’t want to press my luck. Heat makes him do crazy shit. I admit that it wasn’t the best camping trip we’d ever been on, but suggested that we try again later this week. Unfortunately the weather is set for the 90’s all week long, with no sign of rain, so we would in fact NOT be going tent camping again anytime soon.
So, we bought a travel trailer. He’ll have his air conditioning, and I’ll get my camping trips. I’m pretty sure the first campfire we’ll have this year will be my husband burning our tent.