Monthly Archives: June 2012

Best Of Search Engine Terms Part 2

It’s time for Search Engine Terms again!  Search terms are the keywords that people type into their search engines that lead them to my blog.  Based on the keywords leading people here, you would think my blog was one big porno site.  Here are a few of my current favorites.

do woman dislike men scratching their balls – Well…it isn’t sexy…

penises look comical – I strongly agree.

do men scratch their balls because they are insecure? – This is a really good question.  I’d love to hear the answer from my male followers.  Do any of you three know?

Spongebob Squarepant penis – Why would you want to see that?

she grabbed his exposed penis – What is with the penis obsession, people?

diagram of a penis – Holy crap.  Mention the word “penis” is one post and look what happens.

now will you show me your tits siri – Seriously, stop sexually harassing the computer.

vaginas lisas – What would you like to know about it?  There’s not much to tell, but I’m an open book.

short men assholes – Now I’m not sure if this person was looking into whether or not short men act like assholes, or if they were trying to get information about a short man’s asshole.

is it bad if someone accidentally sees hairy armpit – Yes.  They will immediately burst into flames.  Nobody cares about your hairy armpit, calm down.

why is my husband apologizing in his sleep – I don’t know, but it could be worse.  My husband farts in his sleep.  And doesn’t even apologize.

I hope you all enjoyed these terms as much as I did.  I encourage you all to check the Search Terms on your site stats page and see what kind of unexpected treasure you find there, if you haven’t already done so.  Thank you so much for visiting my blog, and a big hug to everyone that types in these entertaining search terms!

Advertisements

Camping With Lisa

They’re not so “adorable” when they’re trying to steal your tent.

I’ve been a huge fan of camping my entire life.  Some of my greatest childhood memories involve my sister and I learning several new swear words while assembling the tent and setting up camp with our parents.  Ten years ago, when I met my husband, he tricked me into thinking that he also liked the great outdoors.  As we left the church right after saying “I do” amid his evil laugh I heard him mutter something like “I hate camping.  And the beach.”  What?!

Anyway, I do get to camp at least once a summer, and although my husband has wanted a travel trailer for some time now, I’ve been able to hold him off on it.  So we went on a camping trip earlier this week, with our tent, and here’s how it went…

We spent the entire day packing and ended up at camp around five in the evening.  Upon arrival we were told there was a fire ban so absolutely no campfires.  My husband, being one to adapt and overcome, got permission for citronella candles and set several of them into the fire pit.  The result was a nice bright glow from the flames, along with a very lemony scent that drove away the mosquito’s but seemed to attract the moths.  They were dive bombing our fake fire.  Also, I do not recommend roasting marshmallows over a citronella candle.  The marshmallow just doesn’t taste the same, and you’ll have to pick moths out of it anyway.

Being that we’re in the middle of a drought, baby boy was in dirt heaven.  Every time any of us took a step, we’d stir up a huge dirt cloud and spent most of our trip sneezing and choking on dirt.  At one point I look over and baby boy coughs out a huge dirt plume.  He had taken a handful of dirt and decided to eat it.  The look on his face clearly indicated he did NOT like eating dirt, although sadly it’s the same look he has anytime Mommy cooks a meal.  I’m running around trying to find water for him to drink and something to wipe his face off with.  My husband is running around looking for a camera to capture this memory.  What about this does he think I want to remember?!

So after a long day setting up camp in the heat, insisting the entire time that I loved setting up camp, the cold night air sets in.  I got no rest on our air mattress for several reasons.  First, I was freezing.  Second, the tent was humid and wet, and third, every time my husband would toss and turn he’d catapult me off of the bed.  The raccoons tried to carry our tent away, and I heard something that sounded like a human howl at the moon followed by a series of small explosions.  What is happening?!  Then some unidentified creature was making noises right in the woods outside of our tent.  Has anyone seen the movie “Predator”?  I’m pretty sure he was in the tree on our campsite.

Morning rolls around and my eyes are so bloodshot I could’ve played the lead role in “Dazed and Confused”.  Still insisting to my husband that I love tent camping and feel great, I sneezed out an entire mud pie right onto the ground in front of him.  The day heats up just in time to take down the tent.  I was ready to pass out, my husband kept giving me the “I’m gonna smother you in your sleep” look while dripping buckets of sweat.  I would have reminded him that I love tent camping except that he had a hatchet nearby and probably I didn’t want to press my luck.  Heat makes him do crazy shit.  I admit that it wasn’t the best camping trip we’d ever been on, but suggested that we try again later this week.  Unfortunately the weather is set for the 90’s all week long, with no sign of rain, so we would in fact NOT be going tent camping again anytime soon.

So, we bought a travel trailer.  He’ll have his air conditioning, and I’ll get my camping trips.  I’m pretty sure the first campfire we’ll have this year will be my husband burning our tent.

Banished To The Island (The Second Banishing)

In my mind there’s an imaginary island. An island that once you get to, you can’t come back. It’s called the Island of Assholes, and it’s where I banish people who have caused me grief, or irritated me in some way. Their punishment is to spend the rest of their lives surrounded by people as dumb as they are. It makes me feel better, although sometimes I get so wrapped up in my imagination that when I see people I’ve recently banned, I wonder how the hell they got off of the island. Then reality hits, and I realize that there is no island and I’m stuck coexisting with these assholes forever, which is fine since I suppose I can be an asshole myself sometimes.

For my second official banishing, I banish those who steal other people’s original ideas. Please don’t get me wrong, imitation really is the sincerest form of flattery, and I truly don’t mind (I even appreciate) people taking an idea of mine and running with it. But how about a little credit? Maybe a small shout out that the idea came from me? A small link to my blog to give credit where credit is due? What do you think I just wake up funny? It takes a lot of wine, and a very twisted, creative mind to turn normal, boring, everyday life into a form of humor good enough to make people laugh or smile. I work hard to entertain and bring laughter into the lives of the people who I interact with. I do it because laughter is good for the soul, and if I can contribute something positive to the lives of others, it gives me a sense of purpose. (And if I’m being honest, sometimes I do it because I’ve cracked myself up and I’m trying to show off.) Maybe it was just a coincidence? I acknowledge it’s possible that you just happen to be a follower of mine, and you just happened to use the same idea two weeks after mine, and maybe just happened to use the same format that I used. Maybe you meant to mention that it was one of my (extremely rare) brilliant idea’s that you enjoyed and made your own, but you just forgot? I was very proud of my post The Best Of Search Engine Terms, and anyone who wants to do it is more than welcome to it. I’m sure someone somewhere has done it before. But it’s original to me as I had never seen it done, so either change-up the format, wait longer than two weeks to steal the idea, or take five seconds and mention my name next time.

If it was unintentional, then I’ll head on over to the island myself. If it was intentional, then I herby officially banish you to the island!

Man Rant Mondays X

Welcome to the tenth and final installment of Man Rant Mondays.  It’s not so much “complaining” about men, as it is “advice” for men given from a woman’s point of view.  As with all advice from a woman, you can either take it, or be wrong.  It’s entirely up to you!

Man Rant Mondays X:  Your Inability to Follow Directions

What part of “get the cheapest propane grill you can find” didn’t you understand?  I don’t give a crap if it’s infrared, I don’t even know what that means.  Oh really, the salesman bought four of them for himself and his family?  No he didn’t.  He’s a liar.  He saw you coming from a mile away.  He’s not your friend, despite the fact that he “called you by your name and everything”.  Seriously though, I’m happy that you’re happy with your new grill, but unfortunately you have just lost your “shopping alone” privilege.

I put a lot of thought into the grocery list.  I plan meals and make the list according to what ingredients I need in order for you to cook me a good meal.   I can not make meatloaf with Oreo Cookies.  Where’s the effin beef?!  It was on the list!  I don’t think you use the list.

And finally, everyone knows men don’t ask for driving directions.  I’m convinced the only reason you even bought the GPS is so that you can ignore the directions it gives you, and find a better, faster route to prove you’re smarter than the average machine.

Thanks so much for reading Man Rant Mondays!  I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Friday’s Food For Thought

Photo Credit: Jim Benton
J.K. Benton Design and Benton Arts

Studies show that parents who raise their kids based on studies will drive themselves insane.

I’m all for passing along knowledge and occasionally asking for advice, but when the hell did we lose our instinctive ability to raise our own kids, and begin to rely so heavily on these “studies”?  I’m not even sure who these Dr.’s are that conduct these studies, which by the way, usually contradict each other. Why would I ever take advice from someone, even a knowledgable someone, who has never met my child?  Clearly I know my kid better than they do.  So I propose we put the book down, and listen to our kids.  Trust yourself, you’ll know what to do and what’s best for your kids.  All you need is clearly defined morals, consistency, a little patience, and an endless supply of vodka, and I promise your kids will turn out to be the amazing, productive members of society that you dream they will be!  So what if my baby came out of the bathroom with a tampon hanging out of his mouth like a cigarette?  (what, it wasn’t used.) And yeah, maybe he sucked enough glitter off of the Christmas Tree ornament to poop out a brand new decoration, who cares?  Changing his diaper for the next week was beautiful and sparkly.  And once, I accidentally stuck my daughter’s head in the ceiling fan, but I’m still a good parent.  She survived, and probably her aversion to ceiling fans is temporary.  You bet I lost my oldest son in public when he was a toddler, who hasn’t?  Did I let that discourage me?  Did I give up and turn to books and studies for support?  NO!  I just put up “Lost Baby” posters and eventually he came home.  Sure, he’s had a drinking problem since age four because of it, but you know, sometimes these things happen!  Relax!  Parents have been successfully raising kids long before Dr. Sears wrote his book.

Conversations Between a Stranger, Myself, and My Inner Voice

My family and I decided to beat the heat yesterday by enjoying a day at a local “splash pad”.  While waiting to purchase tickets, I met a very kind old man who was in line directly behind me.

He said “You need to put some sunscreen on!” to which I replied “Oh, I did.”  I’m lying, I don’t have sunscreen on.

“I don’t see it on you.” he stated matter-of-fact. “No, really.” I insisted “I used my son’s baby sunblock.  It’s like SPF 50 or something like that.”  (I even pointed at my baby to further convince him that I wasn’t a liar.)  Are you kidding me?!  I just got called out by this guy that doesn’t even know me.  How does he know I’m lying?  Did my mother send him? 

“Well, you know, you’re practically invisible!  With skin as light as yours you really should use sunscreen.  You’ll be red as a lobster if you don’t!”  Oh my gosh. Didn’t this guy know that ever since Edward Cullen went all Hollywood pale is the new tan?   I already told him that I had sunscreen on.  If he didn’t believe my lie, then I just don’t know what to tell him! 

He shook his head from side to side, letting me know that he was aware of my lie, and disappointed that I wasn’t taking better care of myself.  While I was very grateful for the concern this gentleman had for my health, he was making me feel sort of awkward, standing there, caught in my little lie as he judged me.  Then I remembered who I am.  I am not the victim of awkward moments, I am the creator of them.  So I took control of the situation.

With a sweet smile on my face, I looked him right in the eye and said “Well, really, my bathing suit covers the most important parts of me that I wouldn’t want sunburned.”  Motioning to my boobs and my girl goodies I leaned in a bit closer, lowered my voice and in a tone that would indicate I was revealing some sort of top-secret information I continued “At least we know the girls and their pet bunny will be safe.”

I faced forward for a short time, and when I turned around the gentleman was gone.  I never saw him again, and I was left wondering…was it something I said?

Man Rant Mondays IX

Welcome to the ninth installment of Man Rant Mondays.  It’s not so much “complaining” about men, as it is “advice” for men given from a woman’s point of view.  As with all advice from a woman, you can either take it or be wrong.  It’s entirely up to you!

 

Man Rant Mondays IX:  Man Headaches

Men can accidentally cut themselves to the bone using the latest power tools available, and after a few bad words, can down a shot of whiskey and stitch themselves back together.  These very same men will be rendered helpless by one small headache.  They will curl up on the couch, quivering in the fetal position, acting as though they’re on their deathbed.  All plans for the day must be cancelled.  Chores will be neglected, while said man sits in the dark screaming “Why?!  Oh Gawd, why ME?!”  Really, little girlie man?  I just saw you dislocate your shoulder the other day, and pop it back into place without uttering so  much as an “ouch”.  It’s just a headache.  How about you take some aspirin and shut the hell up for five seconds so I can reassure the neighbors that there’s no need to dial 911.

Thanks for reading Man Rant Mondays!  Have a great week!