And That’s How I Lost My “Chaperone Of The Year” Award

They say abstinence is the best form of birth control.  I disagree.  The best form of birth control is chaperoning a second grade field trip.  After spending a day with all of those kids, just the thought of having another baby will make your vagina pucker.

I was paired with another chaperone, and between us we had been assigned nine kids.  In my group were two of the least behaved boys in the grade.  They aren’t “bad” kids.  One just has a severe problem with authority and the other one has a very short attention span.  He listens and follows the rules until something shiny catches his eye.  With these kids in my group, I was left wondering who I pissed off and what I was being punished for.  The other chaperone I’d be working with was a man.  Well, I hope he likes vagina talk because that’s all I’ve got.

The boy who hates grown ups kept wandering off and I was afraid that we were going to lose him.  So I told him firmly that he would need to stay with the group.  Then I was afraid he was going to cut me.  At one point I considered pushing him into the alligator pit. (What?  They were baby alligators.) Well clearly I wasn’t going to push this kid into the pit, so I did the next best thing I could think of.  I tattled on him.  That’s right, I’m not even going to try to hide it.  I refuse to be the mom that lost someone else’s kid.

Next, they made me take them on the go-karts.  I hate go-karts, and here’s why:  You need at least two sports bras for proper support.  My boobs are about an inch lower than before I rode the devil’s push toys.

The arcade was last on the list.  It was an “every man for himself” nightmare.  The kids scattered like roaches, and it was hard to keep track of all nine of them, because after a while they all start to look alike.  I don’t know how teachers do it all day, every day.  I would need a taser and some vodka just to make it through lunch!  At one point I thought I’d lost one of the boys.  It turns out he was in an enclosed arcade game.  I opened the curtain, relieved to see him.  He was not as excited to see me and I’m pretty sure he flipped me the bird.

I was thankful I survived.  I was outnumbered, at times outsmarted, but in the end, I’m pretty sure my co-chaperone and I brought each one of those kids safely back to school.

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16 responses to “And That’s How I Lost My “Chaperone Of The Year” Award

  1. The short attention span kid has SSSOWWTSTIS, ‘Shiny Shit Syn… Oh Wait, What’s That Shiny Thing I See’

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  2. “Devil’s push toys”! Good stuff!

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  3. Haha this is hilarious! I spent years supervising FORTY 2nd graders all by myself every day for an hour during their lunch and recess time, and I loved it! All the mayhem! Hey, I worked in the library the rest of the day so it was nice to get out and let lose ~ except in the winter when it was 20 below. 😉

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    • Did you have duct tape, or at least a hidden flask of vodka to get you through the day? I’ve been a substitute in the lunch/recess position but I’ve only done it a few times. I spent most of my time hiding underneath the slide praying for it to be over. Hats off to you, Jewels! You must have a lot of patience. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by! It’s always great to hear from you.

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  4. This sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. You took it too far when you said you don’t like go-karts—I mean, the blasphemy!

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  5. 1wanderingtruthseeker

    I like the part about almost pushing the kid into the alligator pit!! I have met kids that could not only be pushed into the pit but their heads held under! lol

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    • It’s nice to hear from someone who can relate to this! It took a lot of self control not to knock him in there. I like your version of this punishment better! That was funny! Thanks for stopping in and making me laugh. 🙂

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  6. I’m glad to hear you survived! You are a better woman than me for even volunteering!

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    • LOL thanks! I was forced to volunteer (do you see the irony there?) because my daughter has these big blue eyes that are almost impossible to say “no” to. Plus, I didn’t want some other chaperone tempted to push my own kid into the alligator pit! Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post! 🙂

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  7. Oh my goodness! I started laughing at “my vagina puckered” and almost peed my pants by the time I got to the alligator pit. Thanks for the hysterical giggles. I needed that. 🙂

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  8. This. Is. Hilarious. I also have a 2nd grade daughter and can totally relate to being coaxed into being a field trip volunteer. I died just a little at “devil’s push toys”!

    You’re a great writer… I’ll certainly be back for more!

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    • Thank you so much! It’s nice to know you can relate. Kids think that just because they’re sweet and adorable they can talk us into anything. We don’t stand a chance sometimes! 🙂

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