I volunteered to go into my daughter’s second grade classroom for five days and discuss the importance of money and business in our community. I rehearsed the provided material in the mirror for days before the first scheduled class, and I thought I was pretty f*cking awesome. Fast forward to game day.
I entered the classroom full of eight year olds, and I was more intimidated than I thought I would be. My butt crack started to sweat and everything. The program rules specifically stated that I was not to use profanity or any kind of sexualized language in front of these kids. Well, shit. My planned intro was “What’s up bitches” but now I had to say something like “Good afternoon, kids”. Also, my ice breaker joke about my vagina was apparently “inappropriate”. Whoever designed this program clearly does not understand my needs. So, I skipped the joke and went right into my introduction. I’m not one to be intimidated in front of a crowd, and I actually love to be the center of attention. However, as I was doing my little speech, I suddenly became aware of all these little eyes staring at me, judging and plotting against me. I got flustered. I started stuttering and saying “um” a lot, which is something that’s never happened to me before. So these kids are all staring at me with undivided attention while I’m standing there silent, resisting the urge to blurt out “Vagina”. I could not remember what I was supposed to talk about next. I could feel my body going into the fight or flight mode, and I’m not a runner. Just before I could challenge the kids with a “come at me bro”, the Teacher chimed in with some really kind words of encouragement for me. So I took a deep breath, and continued on with my speech. Everything ran smoothly until it was time to pick volunteers. Every kid wanted to volunteer, including my daughter. Figuring it was inappropriate to announce “I’m picking my daughter because I think she’s awesome and like her better than the rest of you”, I picked another kid. Then I realized that my daughter shouldn’t get excluded just because I happen to be her super cool Mom. I ended up having her help me pass out some items. After all was said and done, I had a great time being in my daughter’s classroom. Clearly, I don’t have what it takes to be a Teacher. I’ll just stick to working on my Nursing degree. Washing an old man’s saggy balls will be less intimidating for me than standing in front of all those kids.