They say abstinence is the best form of birth control. I disagree. The best form of birth control is chaperoning a second grade field trip. After spending a day with all of those kids, just the thought of having another baby will make your vagina pucker.
I was paired with another chaperone, and between us we had been assigned nine
The boy who hates grown ups kept wandering off and I was afraid that we were going to lose him. So I told him firmly that he would need to stay with the group. Then I was afraid he was going to cut me. At one point I considered pushing him into the alligator pit. (What? They were baby alligators.) Well clearly I wasn’t going to push this kid into the pit, so I did the next best thing I could think of. I tattled on him. That’s right, I’m not even going to try to hide it. I refuse to be the mom that lost someone else’s kid.
Next, they made me take them on the go-karts. I hate go-karts, and here’s why: You need at least two sports bras for proper support. My boobs are about an inch lower than before I rode the devil’s push toys.
The arcade was last on the list. It was an “every man for himself” nightmare. The kids scattered like roaches, and it was hard to keep track of all nine of them, because after a while they all start to look alike. I don’t know how teachers do it all day, every day. I would need a taser and some vodka just to make it through lunch! At one point I thought I’d lost one of the boys. It turns out he was in an enclosed arcade game. I opened the curtain, relieved to see him. He was not as excited to see me and I’m pretty sure he flipped me the bird.
I was thankful I survived. I was outnumbered, at times outsmarted, but in the end, I’m pretty sure my co-chaperone and I brought each one of those kids safely back to school.