10) It is inappropriate to smell between the toes of the gigantic Marilyn Monroe statue. Just so everyone knows, it doesn’t smell like anything anyway.
9) Chicago cab drivers are not afraid to die, and they’ll take you with them. At one point I’m pretty sure we were up on two wheels.
8) City pigeons are nothing like suburban pigeons. City pigeons will sit on your hand and drink your Starbucks while crapping on your leather jacket and if you don’t share they’ll cut you.
7) The car horn and the middle finger are the main forms of communication between drivers and pedestrians.
6) The group of old ladies in the Red Hats are a real gang, don’t let their smiles fool you.
5) When I bang on an upside down bucket it’s annoying. When a group of guys do it on the city streets it’s music.
4) The “Bean” is useless. The last thing I want to see is a giant mirror that makes me look short and fat under the unforgiving light of the sun.
3) The mall in my town isn’t a real mall.
2) When the train jolts as though it’s going to run off track, jumping up and screaming “We’re all going to f*cking die!!!” will get you nothing but dirty looks.
1) While the height of the buildings in the city is impressive, walking around while looking straight up is frowned upon. Apparently people don’t like getting bumped into. They think you’re trying to steal their wallets.