Ten Things I Learned in Chicago

10) It is inappropriate to smell between the toes of the gigantic Marilyn Monroe statue.  Just so everyone knows, it doesn’t smell like anything anyway.

9) Chicago cab drivers are not afraid to die, and they’ll take you with them.  At one point I’m pretty sure we were up on two wheels.

8) City pigeons are nothing like suburban pigeons.  City pigeons will sit on your hand and drink your Starbucks while crapping on your leather jacket and if you don’t share they’ll cut you.

7) The car horn and the middle finger are the main forms of communication between drivers and pedestrians.

6) The group of old ladies in the Red Hats are a real gang, don’t let their smiles fool you.

5) When I bang on an upside down bucket it’s annoying.  When a group of guys do it on the city streets it’s music.

4) The “Bean” is useless.  The last thing I want to see is a giant mirror that makes me look short and fat under the unforgiving light of the sun.

3) The mall in my town isn’t a real mall.

2) When the train jolts as though it’s going to run off track, jumping up and screaming “We’re all going to f*cking die!!!” will get you nothing but dirty looks.

1) While the height of the buildings in the city is impressive, walking around while looking straight up is frowned upon.  Apparently people don’t like getting bumped into.  They think you’re trying to steal their wallets.


5 responses to “Ten Things I Learned in Chicago

  1. Also, please note that the guy selling CDs in the alley does not actually have CDs but he does have STDs. Which, while similar in acronym, are very different in both listening quality and enjoyment. Not that I would know…it happened to a friend of mine…

    Seriously though, its going to take a lifetime of interacting with puppets in a psychiatrists office to get over. Stay away from that alley…


  2. I KNOW HIM!!! Just some friendly advice…The puppets don’t help, and they only mock you once you leave.


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