The Problem With Buddhism

I’ve been obsessed with my quest for “inner peace” for about seven years now.  After several failed attempts at achieving inner peace, including but not limited to: alcohol (which, by the way, almost works), Reki, chakra balancing, consulting a psychic, and boston creme donuts…I found Buddhism.  The Dali Lama is so inspiring that I almost shaved my head and converted my wardrobe to orange robes.  But then I remembered that orange is not really my best color.

The basic principles of Buddhism are very noble and inspiring.  A life of simplicity is enticing.  I’ve read all about the simple life on my smart phone while driving to Starbucks.  Some people can pack everything they own into ONE backpack!  I tried that, but quickly found that I couldn’t even fit all of my make-up into one backpack.

The unconditional compassion and never-ending patience these Buddhists exhibit is commendable.  Before I even get my first cup of coffee in the morning I’ve already run out of patience.  First because my dumb alarm clock woke me up, and second because Starbucks does not deliver.

So I bought several books on the subject of Buddhism and was extremely disappointed to find that after I had finished reading them I was still not “enlightened”.   According to the books, enlightenment is attained after several years of training your mind.  I figured I’d have a head start on account of I already know everything and have all the answers.

I also learned during my reading, that Buddhists don’t kill anything.  ANYTHING.  At first this seems like basic common sense.  I’d never want to kill anyone anyway.  I’d like to banish some people to the Island of Assholes, but that’s a whole other blog.  Upon further reading, it seems Buddhists don’t even kill spiders or mosquitos!  If a spider is in my house, it must pay rent or die, and everyone knows mosquitoes are direct descendents of Satan.

My hopes of finding inner peace through Buddhism ended abruptly when I found out that they don’t drink alcohol.  What the hell is that nonsense?  So I poured myself a glass of wine and cracked open a book about Pagan religions.  Cake and wine to celebrate Mother Earth?  Okay!


4 responses to “The Problem With Buddhism

  1. Hilarious!


  2. no alcohol? how is that a real religion?


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