The Awkward Pedicure

Posted on January 7, 2013 | 5 Comments

So today I decided to cash in a birthday gift certificate that my mom-in-law gave me to get a pedicure with my daughter.  Feet are gross, so this is only the second pedicure I’ve ever gotten.

They sat us in these huge chairs that had elaborate massage systems in them, and a spa tub full of warm water circulating over your feet.  As the massage chair worked it’s magic, I realized that it was shaking my upper body from left to right resulting in my “girls” jiggling around obnoxiously.  So I wondered if this little show I was putting on would get me a free future pedicure.  In case you’re wondering, it did not.

They left us there for a while to relax.  The wait for them to come work on our feet was kind of long, but in a chair like that who’d complain?  I’ll tell you who.  The crab ass in the chair next to me.  She makes it known that she is not happy about how long it had taken, and she needed to be attended to immediately.  Holy shit lady!  This guy has a sharp object in his hand and I’m pretty sure he’s a direct descendant of Bruce Lee.  You maybe don’t want to piss him off.  I don’t want any bloodshed, while I’m relaxing in my CHAIR!

So eventually, this guy begins working on my toes, and he starts speaking his language with the guy working on crab ass.  It was making me really self conscious.   Damn it.  I have GOT to learn this language.  What the hell are these guys talking about?  It’s my feet.  They’re talking about my ugly feet.  Or football…I can’t tell.

Then it was time for the massage part of the pedicure.  He grabbed some lotion and started massaging my legs and feet.  Umm, I’m pretty sure this qualifies as foreplay.  Am I supposed to blow this guy when he’s done?  Because every woman knows that no man on earth gives massages for nothing.  Just to be on the safe side I made eye contact with him and firmly stated that I was happily married.

The only “payment” that was required were the gift certificates and of course I tipped him.  It was one of the best birthday gifts ever.  My daughter really enjoyed herself too.  We’ll have to do it again sometime.

I really miss that chair…

 

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Posted in Humor, parenting

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Resolutions

Posted on December 31, 2012 | 6 Comments

grumpy cat resolution

All in all 2012 wasn’t such a bad year.  I reached my fitness goals, managed to keep all three of my kids alive, and dodged what could have been a really bad situation involving laser hair removal on my cha-cha.  Despite the havoc that the Mayans caused, we’re all still here to celebrate a new year.

I love making new years resolutions.  I write them down, and then at the end of the year I check back to have a good laugh.  I swear, as I’m writing them I’m thinking well that’s not gonna happen.  Ever.  But they say it’s the thought that counts, so I figure I’m good.

Here’s some bull shit for 2013

5.  Swear less, because it’s not very “ladylike”.  F***ing vagina…

4.  Work out more.  And by “work out” I mean post inspirational quotes on Pinterest while eating my boston cream donuts, because let’s be honest, working out sucks.

3.  Drink less alcohol.  Except for wine, wine is good for you.  And vodka and rum, because even my liver likes vodka and rum.

2.  Volunteer at a retirement home.  Actually, I’ve been trying to do this one all year.  I filled out an application and everything, but I never heard back.  I’m not sure why, except maybe when that one lady asked me did I like working with old people and I said just the ones that drink, swear and watch porn because that’s within my comfort zone.  Clearly I was joking…mostly…

1.  Be more accepting and less judgmental.   Except for when I’m at Wal-Mart, because sometimes the only reason I even go there is to judge others and feel better about myself.  Oh don’t act like you’ve never done it…

I’ll let you all know how it goes.  Happy New Year!  May 2013 bring you lots of laughter and happiness!

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Posted in Humor, random, thoughts

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A Happy Anniversary Story

Posted on December 18, 2012 | 4 Comments

Happy 36th Anniversary to my Mom and Dad!

Not my actual parents…

My mom and dad are the type of couple who are connected on such a deep level, that when I pissed my mom off at home, my dad would feel irritation miles away at work.

When Mom said “just wait until your father gets home” I was less worried about being punished for the crime I had committed and more worried about how angry dad would be over the fact that I upset my mom.  He still can’t stand to see her upset.

When playing a game once it was my dad’s challenge to get my mom to say “giraffe” before the time ran out.  The timer flipped, my dad said “zoo” to which my mom, without hesitation, said “giraffe”.  How in the hell?!  Out of all the animals in a zoo…

Mom has made Dad’s lunch for work every single day for thirty-six years.  She’s Polish, so you can imagine the amount of food she packs in that lunch bag.

They’re seriously the sweetest couple I’ve ever met.  They’re always holding hands and enjoying life together.  Every now and then I still catch him grabbing her ass.  Freaks.  This day is special for them, but I’m celebrating this day too.  I can’t help but realize that it’s the way they’ve treated each other in their marriage that has allowed me to settle for no less than the best in my own life.  I have no doubt I would not be married to the amazing husband that is mine if it weren’t for the high standards that my Dad set.  My own marriage is strong and happy because of (among other things) the great example that my own parents have set year after year in regards to love, trust, honesty, loyalty, respect and acceptance.  Their marriage has moments that qualify as “work”, but it’s about as close to perfect as you could possibly get.

I’m so happy that they found each other.  Mostly because I came out of the deal and I really like me, but also because in a world full of heartbreak and failed relationships, they remain one of the few unwavering examples of hope that true love for eternity really does exist.

All this mush has made me nauseous.  Happy Anniversary and shit.

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Posted in family, Health, Humor

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My Christmas Story…by Lisa Rochon

Posted on December 17, 2012 | 4 Comments

I once had a candle party.  I invited all of my friends and family, but the only people who showed up was one friend, my mom, and my aunt.  Then I had an adult toy party…I couldn’t cram all of my friends into my living room.  Alcohol and anal beads, and suddenly I’m the most popular girl in town.  Bunch of perverts…I love them!  At this toy party I was given a huge, pink, flaccid rubber penis.  I had no use for it because it was so limp the only thing it would be good for is smacking people in the face, and apparently in our society, smacking people in the face with a rubber peeper is frowned upon.  Whatever, who makes these rules?  But it was funny and it smelled good, so I kept it figuring I’d find a good use for it at some point.  And I did.

My family does a gift exchange at Christmas.  I had purchased a really soft blanket to give away.  I came across Willie (that’s what I named it, because guys name their penis so I thought I should name mine.  I think it’s like a rule or something) and thought to myself I should include this in the gift because who wouldn’t want a useless severed penis?  So I dressed it up like Santa, because who wouldn’t want a useless severed penis dressed like Santa?  I put a little Santa hat on it, some googly eyes and a beard made out of a huge cotton ball.  I tucked it into the ribbon of the blanket, wrapped the gift and watched the magic happen.

My aunt ended up with the gift.  She opened it and instantly recognized Willie from the party that I had.  It took the guys a minute to figure out what all of us girls were laughing at.  The blanket and Willie were placed to the side and forgotten about.  Until…

My nephew, who was very young at the time, says “Yook Mommy!  Yook!”  We all looked to see what he was so excited about.  He had Willie by the shaft and was flopping it around, side to side with a huge smile on his adorable little face.  A googly eye went flying through the air, the hat was long gone and the cotton beard was only half stuck on, flapping in the wind.  My sister calmly took One Eyed Willie away from my nephew while giving me a look that let me know revenge would be coming my way one day.  Whatever…she lets her kid play with dildo’s…

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Posted in children, family, Humor

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Dear Pinners Pinning on Pinterest,

Posted on December 14, 2012 | 10 Comments

A photo of not me posted on Pinterest

Seriously, stop posting stuff like this and calling it “inspiration”, Okay?  The only thing this picture inspires me to do is go console myself with a box of Boston Creme Donuts and a gallon of chocolate milk.  I really liked myself when I looked in the mirror today.  In my head I was all like “Well good morning Lisa, you’re looking good today.  Let’s check Pinterest.”  and then I saw this picture and my head was all “Nevermind, aside from your amazing rack you suck…”

I’m thin, I exercise and eat healthy, but I’ll never look like that up there.  You know why?  Genetics.  All I want is a six-pack and buns of steel, but instead I get chicken legs, a uni brow and one foot that’s slightly bigger than the other.  What the hell is up with that!?

Also, I’m willing to bet that Ms. Six Pack up there hasn’t squeezed any human beings out of her girl parts.  I’ve done three…no big deal.  But I can’t be the porthole into this universe AND perfectly sculpted.  You know I’m not the only one hoping that Too Toned up in that picture gets knocked up and stretched out.  Or maybe I am the only one because I’m overly jealous and slightly spiteful…

I’m just saying, if you’re going to post this picture don’t title it “inspiration.”  Be honest and title it something like “You’ll never look like this no matter how hard you try but it’s okay because you’re great just the way you are.  Nobody’s perfect, even the girl in the picture doesn’t show her face and  there’s a reason for that.”

A-freaking-men. You dont have to be perfect, just healthy and happy with who you are :) But its easier said then done.

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Posted in Health, Humor, opinion

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It’s Nice To Meet You. Please Excuse My Pervert Dog.

Posted on December 5, 2012 | Leave a comment

So the teenager brought his girlfriend home to meet the family.  She’s sweet and we all like her.  Even the dog.  He really likes her.  He started humping her leg like some sort of porn star on ecstasy.  After he violated her, and after the laughing stopped, I explained that we had his balls removed a long time ago, and that his humping was just a sign of dominance, which I think she already knew.  I thought to maybe tell her that she could go ahead and hump his leg, you know, to let him know that she is the dominant one, because clearly he understands this kind of interaction and I thought she might like to set the record straight.  But then I thought maybe that would be too much for a first meeting.

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Posted in comedy, Humor, relationships

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For The Love Of All That Is Holy…

Posted on October 23, 2012 | 5 Comments

While browsing Pinterest the other day, I came across this blog post called 25 Ways to Communicate Respect (to your husband without saying a word).  I thought “well there’s something I may learn a thing or two from, and if not I can rest assured that I am better and smarter than most wives.”  So I decided to check it out.  It’s basically a list of the ways that a proper, good, happy wife should treat her husband.  Some of the list is basic common sense.  Like listening when he speaks to you, kissing him goodbye, or not talking bad about him.  I’m great at those kinds of things!  I always listen to my husband when he’s talking to me, as long as I’m not on Facebook, Pinterest, blogging or doing homework, and provided that the kids aren’t interrupting…Hmm, maybe I should start listening to my husband more…Nah, I’ll just keep insisting that he’s the one with poor communication skills.  I’d like to go over a few of the points that I have a problem with following.  For instance:

2. Honor His Wishes

Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)

Everything that is important to my husband instantly becomes important to me.  Um, small problem with the whole “Don’t make him ask twice” thing though.  My husband has to ask at least four times if he wants something done around here.  Also, the man would never ask me to limit computer time.  Because he wants to keep both of his balls.

7. Don’t Nag

Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old…

My husband is a grown man?!  Clearly this woman hasn’t met my husband.  As soon as he finishes laughing at his own farts I’ll introduce you.  Nagging works!  I’m not giving up the only weapon I have in my arsenal aside from my vagina.

9.  Smile at Him

Yeah…I tried that.  He thought I was plotting something evil.

10. Respond Physically

…Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too

Men are ALWAYS in the mood.  It’s impossible for any wife to keep up.  My girl goodies are not open for business 24/7.  We close for maintenance, and sometimes we really do have a headache.  Tough shit.

17. Dress to Please Him

Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.

I’ll try…tomorrow morning when I choose my outfit, instead of asking “What would Jesus do” (like I usually do when picking out clothes) I’ll ask “What would Phil like”.  I’m pretty sure my red lace bra with matching panties is going to be inappropriate for my daughter’s school party, but whatever.

18.  Keep the House Tidy

Well…shit.  Define “tidy”.

24.  Don’t Argue

You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word…

Except that I am always right and I do always have to have the last word.  It’s okay though.  My husband likes it.  And if he tells you he doesn’t then he’s wrong.

25.  Follow His Lead

… Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

“Defer” to my husband’s wishes?!  I’m sorry, what?  Anyway, I tried that awhile back.  It’s now referred to as the “Incident of ’03″.  Won’t happen again.  Now all of my husbands decisions must be submitted to me in writing to be reviewed for approval.

As you can clearly see, the advice this woman has isn’t for every couple. I’ve had a very happy and successful marriage so far doing pretty much the opposite of most of her suggestions.  Some couples may find her article very useful though, and I’m certainly not judging those freaks.  Whatever works for each individual couple, I suppose.  Over here, we do best as equal partners.  We put each others needs above our own, we forgive each others faults, we smother each other with mutual love, trust and respect, and among so many other things, we share a never-ending supply of laughter.

You can visit the blog I’m referring to at Loving Life at Home – Jennifer Flanders

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Posted in comedy, family, Humor

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